This post has been inspired after reading another bloggers experience with using the dating app POF …… I can’t comment on Tinder or any other dating apps because POF was the only one I used .. the original post by Brains and Bodies – 10 guys you will find on POF
splitting escaping from the long-term sentence I served with a narcissist , this toxic relationship had taken its toll on me emotionally and psychologically and I took a whole year to myself to ‘dust myself down and get back up’ as it were
But the difference in me from the last time I was in the dating game was quite significant not only was I more than a decade older – I was now fully armed with all my trainings in human behaviour and language patterns , body language, and modern phycology …
Actually the main difference was that now I understood what I had created for myself and why..
Basically I created a monster – and of course no one in their right mind would do that on purpose ( obviously ignoring Frankenstein here) unbeknown to me our relationship was doomed from the get go .. because I was unconsciously creating the very situations and relationship I was repelled by … namely my parents
Although they were married from a young age all the way until my dad died – from the last of 5 children I always felt very little to no love between my parents … there was only criticism and sarcastic jibes from my mother towards the whole world – my entire memory of growing up – she was most definitely a narcissist ( my first one) and my father her ‘enabler’ for sure …. Not only did he supply her with alcohol when he was teetotal himself but he also knew what she was like when he wasn’t there – she was violent …. very violent and cruel
She was also a functioning alcoholic, Ironically she worked in the care sector with the mentally handicapped … well its more an Oxymoron because she was about as caring as Hannibal Lector – and that was to us, able-bodied around her that had the sense to get out of her way when she was ‘doing a Molly’
I genuinely used to worry for the poor people she worked with ..knowing the price paid for ‘annoying’ her ..
for me it felt like the thing that annoyed her the most was having to be nice ..
As the youngest I studied those above me from and early age – I had a vested interest in working out what set her off – to protect myself in the future … So I paid attention to them all – at their best and worst
My older sisters and my brother have all had their turn at being her flying monkey and each one of us have also had the position albeit temporary Golden child ..
It’s no real surprise to know I have been no contact with my mother for the last 25 years
I couldn’t wait to be free from her and did it the first chance I got – which was when I was 22 and just married … my husband was a kind man and although I recognised and welcomed this as a good quality in a husband as the years went on I worried that his good nature and lack of bad moods meant deep down he couldn’t really care about me – After almost 8 years together I fell pregnant and we were both delighted to say the least.. I already had one son Kyle when we met and all three of us longed for another pair of feet to join us.. Sadly this was not meant to be and in the cruellest of blows the universe decided I was to lose that baby because it was an ectopic pregnancy – the date the universe decided that should happen was Kyles 10th birthday!
They say a baby makes or breaks a relationship and in this case it was right – I felt terrible guilt for being unable to produce another healthy baby – and within a year the marriage had broken down – me leaving giving the reason that he was ‘too nice’
laughable to even think such a thing now – there is no such thing as too nice – I tell people this myself all the time – what there is – is too many NOT nice out there – taking advantage of the ‘too nice’
From there I dated a few guys – this was still in pre internet dating days of the late 90’s so it was done in the old-fashioned way where you meet for real first – when you get chatted up by them in a pub or a club.. no worries of fake profiles or catfishes then.
There seemed to be something inside me repelling nice guys – not consciously or deliberately of course but the relationship I had after my marriage was with a man who was no less than the complete opposite – and to cut along boring story ( or maybe another blog post) short – this relationship ended when he brutally attacked me and gave me what’s known in Scotland as a ‘Right Sair Face’ – I looked like an advert for domestic abuse –
obviously I realised immediately this was not the guy for me – so I removed myself from that situation and moved to a different area with my son. . . Swearing off men for a while at least .
It was only after a few weeks and the bruising was disappearing that my friend talked me into going out for a few drinks… I agreed
This is where Narcissist number 2 comes into my life … posing as safe in the guise of speaking to me because we used to go to school together – it didn’t occur to me I was being lined up as his next victim of choice ..
I seen the usual narc behaviour – the ‘love bombing’ although at that time I didn’t recognise it as that at all – I thought he was being genuine ..
Anyway its a whole other post – being with a narc for 10 years –
Shortly after meeting this guy I had decided to get out of the job I was in – I had been working within a secure unit of paedophiles – working one to one with them for a few years this had played a part in me wanting to learn more about the mind and how it works.. But I wanted to know about everyone – not just the paedophiles I worked with/
In 2002 I enrolled in my first Hypnotherapy and NLP Practitioners course and so began my love affair with matters of the mind… Through the years that followed I enrolled in more courses and read more books … soaking in everything I could learn about the mind and human behaviours/personalities
In 2005 I discovered Warriors Settlers Nomads – a book by Terence Watts .. by the time I had found this gem it was already a world best seller … when I read It for the first time in my entire life I understood a little of why my family members were the way they all were…. which of course was good and bad in different proportions – I read about the ancient tribes and where we all stem from … I answered the questions to discover my dominant tribe – Settler – and when I read the description of a settlers traits of thinking feeling and behaving I truly felt like it was describing me!
I will do another post all about Warrior settler and nomads because its such an interesting topic of it own – but for the sake of this post I will say that I learned from that book the why my mother and my sisters were all so alike yet so different …. this book gave perfectly reasonable explanation for my mother’s behaviour and how that would feel to me … and how being different tribes would affect our relationship.
Needless to say I had EVERYONE I could answer the questions to determine what tribe was most dominant within them…
when I realised that my then partner was the same tribe as my mother – my brother – and the sister that had offered to shoot my son …… I was what you might say disappointed –
RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE
I couldn’t get enough of this Warrior Settlers Nomads information and feeling so grateful for this book coming along and explaining so much of my life I had never found an answer that made sense. …. I wrote to the author .. I sent him a thank you for writing such an amazingly insightful book and asking him when there would be more on this subject.
To my amazement not only did he reply but he invited me along on his first training for a concept he called SymbioDynamics – this was best described as warrior settler nomad – on the INSIDE
I was more than delighted to go and take part in this – and so began my journey of Terence Watts trainings .. All of which have been fantastic however forever holding the place in my heart for changing my life completely is WSN..
Fast forward another 6 years of gaslighting and silent treatments
I used all my tools and techniques just to survive those years and in that time I realised how that warrior partner never once took responsibility for ANYTHING – even if I seen him do it with my own eyes.. he seemed to actually embrace and enjoy all the coldness of his warrior tribe.. especially now he knew a name for it .. initially WSN didn’t make my life easier – it just helped me understand it better.
However Learning the role our Imprint Years make on us – 0-7yrs
was crucial to my thought processes …
Aaanyywaaays back to my original point #11
Now 2012 and some believed it was going to be the end of the world ,,,, and in many ways for me ……………… it certainly was the end of the way I looked at the world …..
I’d just completed the last piece of training there was on warrior settler and nomads .. with this came a personality profiling software that worked out exactly what percentages of each tribe a person is made up from – their own personal cocktail mix as it were.
With this profiling I put together my results with my then partners and I’ve got to admit I was not that shocked to read how the relationship between these two tribes would work .. or rather not work as was the case
I could see clearly written in front of me screeds of information………
I already recognised my ‘relationship’ how it was destined to continue on as it had become – filled with coldness, harsh accusations and even lies – just to avoid the warrior having to admit any kind of wrong doing on their part.
By this point I had applied the WSN concept countless times before when dealing with other people and it has never – I repeat – NEVER – let me down …. I would read the description of the tribe and sure as eggs that person would always oblige this concept by acting exactly as their tribe dictates. I believed in this as much as I did/do the alphabet!
So for me it was an instant decision to leave and get out of the relationship, once I learned who he really was and always would be..
We had broken up before but we always ended up back together – not because of any romantic scenarios … but simply by sheer manipulation by the warrior.
I will do another post ( oh so many to do eh) on living with a warrior from a settlers point of view .. it seems I have accidentally surrounded myself with them growing up and up to this aged 42!
As soon as I could I was OUT and free – I had to force him to sell our house through a lawyer and when I went to collect MY personal things
HE CALLED 999 and claimed a gang of people were trying to break into his house – so 3 vans and about 8 police sped to his rescue…
As it happens HE was the one who got in trouble for wasting police time
That’s Karma for ya!
So for the first time in my WHOLE life I was now living alone aged 42
Before now I had always lived with Kyle and or a partner
I admit I was a little wary to live alone – I thought I would be scared and or lonely … how I laugh at that idea now
TRUTH IS – NOT FOR ONE MOMENT was I lonely or sad or scared
Everyday when my feet hit the floor
I would remember that I was no longer affected by another persons moodiness or feel invisible being ignored and that felt GOOD
The best EVER
I can honestly say I was incredibly happy in that little flat
and so on to POF
Armed with my wsn knowledge I knew that I would be staying away from a specific type of the warrior tribe – when I decided to go online to POF I was curious to see if I could use this knowledge to whittle out the warriors and find myself either one of the other two tribes
So I wrote my Bio page carefully – including plenty detail and facts about me = like what chocolate I prefer, what t bags I use, how I expect a partner to empty the bins, pretty boring stuff really …………….
KNOWING in most likelihood a warrior reading it would have gotten bored halfway down and either given up or messaged me without finishing it – before making up their minds I talk to much
They would still message me of course – But their short, shallow conversation usually gives them away very quickly – they are the guys who just say one sentence …or even just one word in their messages. Something like “Hi ..fancy a chat” followed by ” tell me more about yourself” or “what you up to?” – clear indications they had not read my profile .. and if I were to indulge them with some information that was included in my profile they are unaware I’m repeating myself because they didn’t read my profile to the end .. this would be enough to make me discount these people no matter how much of a match POF reckons we were. Of course there is was one loophole in my plan –
The very first line in the Original book about warriors says –
“Warriors can often be mistaken for Settlers”
So this was by no means going to be straightforward….
However – the one good point about ‘virtual dating’ is that you can ask questions and chat away from the safety of your own sofa – which for many I’ve heard is the ‘boring bit’ – or too much hassle
But if you know what you’re looking for – words – certain phrases, questions they ask – beliefs they hold or even their very writing style can all give away clues to their true dominant tribe…
Simple difference –
Warriors write in A short, concise, straight to the point manner – with little to no emojis – or perhaps a single one – just to sound/look fun.. This can be spotted even as quickly as there 1 photo, 2 line Bio profile page and single line conversation starter putting the responsibility on you and your reply to sound more interesting than “Hi ..tell me more about yourself” …..Getting a proper conversation whereby both sides give out equally on information about themselves is almost impossible.. They don’t actually want to talk about you as much as you think being a dating site to meet people – warriors are interested only in themselves or subjects only they are knowledgeable on. They feign interest in you and what your saying – but if your sharp, this tribe is far easier to spot than they think – if you feel like your being interviewed as opposed to chatting then you bagged yourself a warrior my friend.
Settlers write like they speak – A LOT – they always give a reason or an explanation and they will also want to know about you – their writing style is more relaxed and chatty and nowhere near as formal – a Settler Bio will likely have taken them some time to ensure they are putting across all the necessary information to make dating them EASY .. Most likely their bio will contain more than one photo and although true settlers are thin on the ground …Spotting one is easy because they are the easiest of all to have a chat with – they can talk about almost anything … and usually do – at great lengths … So if you find yourself chatting away and actually feeling like this is a quality 2 way conversation that flows easily then most likely your chatting to a settler … But BEWARE because those cold calculating warrior men out there can do a good impression of a friendly easy going settler.. What with the true Settler being so rare chances are your got a warrior or a nomad – check their Bio again.. look for those clues
Nomads will often have much more photos on their Bio than words – they don’t do so good with the literacy side of POF – their bio and messages will be full of exclamation marks! and they do LOVE and Emoji or 10.. lots of joking and no actual serious or useful information. They are most likely to message outwith the usual hours of messaging – say in the middle of the night. Nomads by nature are extremists – so their profile, Bio and conversation could either be FULL to the brim and they are messaging you with LOTS to say but actually just saying stuff for the sake of saying it …like telling you how good you look in your photos – its highly unlikely, they will actually read all the way through your profile and Bio. unless they REALLY like the look of you (or your bio is very short)
Or on the other extreme they could have an almost empty Bio and only one photo – with sporadic conversations that go days in between.. If you feel like the messages with this person are either just plain silly/funny or even just not quite making sense – almost like they are not reading what your saying to them properly ..
FACT TO KEEP IN MIND
the mind is not built to tell lies – and much prefers to tell the truth, hence why our bodies respond during a lie detector test….
For some reason – in the very beginning of a relationship (ANY TYPE)
people tend to tell the truth about themselves – even if they are only making fun and it sounds like its all light hearted..
So when you hear or read someone say something like –
“you shouldn’t really get involved with me I’ll only break your heart”
” I’m a lazy ____” or “I’m probably too Clingy/Moody” or “I just want to have some fun” or “I’d sleep all day if I could” or “I better not let the wife find out”
If you pay attention to what they say right at the start – even if its put across as a joke – LISTEN!!!
We ALL already know this stuff deep down – usually when someone says one of the above or similar we get a ‘little feeling’ or a mental RED Flag –
Of course mostly we ignore these feelings & flags
and carry on regardless –
Its not until the relationship is over and he’s been outed as ‘one of the above’ that we look back and admit to ourselves we knew right from the start – but we chose to ignore it
So after a year of living alone I was ready for POF and I was prepared to talk to a lot of frogs (warriors ) in order to find my ‘prince’ ..
Although at that time to be fair I was in a good place – Emotionally, mentally and financially. I had just set up Dunfermline’s first Laughter Yoga club.. and this along with my self development workshops were doing great. I wont not have ventured NEAR any place where members of the opposite sex were had I not been because I had sworn to myself never to be hoodwinked by another warrior male ..
Armed with my arsenal of psychological weapons/shields I was ready ..
My profile went live and immediately the barrage of messages from men who’s bio says they have been a member of POF for 3 years!!! .. I mean really?! .. if you haven’t met someone by the first 3 months I personally would come off it at least for a while… otherwise you look like some perpetual never ending ‘Fisher’..Desperate for ANY bite …
why mate? what’s wrong with you?
After 3 weeks of ‘ignoring’ the gratuitious d*ck pic messages and those unbearably cringy one liners like – “Hi there Beautiful” and “Hi Sexy” – I had maybe 3 half decent conversations but not with anyone who I would want to actually meet in real life – But they certainly made my short time on POF much more interesting .. Its not everyone that is interested in global conspiracies and David Icke on a dating site as you can imagine.. But I considered myself to have honestly advertised myself – including even a couple of minor flaws – just so they knew I was human.. Apart from a few decent conversations there was no one that gave me a ‘Good Hunch’ – POF was full of warriors for sure – which of course is prime hunting zone for a male warrior – prey on the vulnerable and those that perhaps don’t have the highest self esteem.
THAT WAS ME ONCE
Just as I was losing any faith I noticed at the top of my screen –
where it says New Users In Your Area
For reasons I cant explain I knew he wasn’t a warrior – perhaps it was his clothes, or his stance in his profile pic … I’m not sure … but something drew me to him .. This in no way means of course that I would even click on someone’s profile before that have actually looked at me ( POF lets you know this)
So instead I pointed at the screen as I said to my friend – and put it out to the universe –
I want him to message me
my warrior friend tried to talk me into being a modern 21st century woman – and me message him! lol not in my makeup to do that .. No he will message me I assured her .. The Law of Attraction ( the secret by Rhonda Byrne) always brings what you think and feel about most – so I believed it and let it out to the universe to manifest… with my fingers crossed he was not another warrior.
24 hours passed and DING my inbox alerted me to a new message – From HIM
I read the few words within his message and initially my heart sank – that read warrior like ..
“what you doing up so late?” he asked me – I explained how I was infact part vampire on my mothers side and as a result do like The Dark hours …. I feel more productive.. when I returned the question his answer would give me my first insight ….. is he just in from a night out and didn’t pull so trying his luck? or is his wife in bed and this is the only time he can ‘chat’ to other women?
He explained that he had just moved house and was sorting through his music collection … he immediately said he didn’t like being on POF – he had been persuaded by his work colleague to join as a way to meet new people in his new area.. made sense.
His profile Bio was either warrior or a no effort nomad .. there was a couple of photos and a few lines giving nothing away. I was on guard but nothing as yet had shouted WARRIOR at me .. and infact it was his admission of looking for – A Girlfriend that made me think more likely settler or nomad so I went with it
We actually only spoke on POF a couple more times – once the following evening when he asked if I had anything exciting coming up that week …. I infact was celebrating my birthday the following day .. He immediately asked if he could “take me for a birthday drink” to which I declined explaining (settler) that I would NOT be meeting any strange men in any pub and having a night fuelled with alcohol…. IF I were to ever meet it would be in the afternoon ideally in a public place like a park. with nothing more than tea to wet our whistle. I also informed him that it would not be until after my birthday as I had plans with my friends.
I was pleased when he replied ” just name the place and time.. I would much rather meet in real life than keep chatting on here” This to me was sign he had no wife and kids to work around or he didn’t have girlfriend he didn’t mind meeting in daylight in public.
So it was agreed the day before my birthday that we would meet on the afternoon following…… I told him I would be informing my friends of this and someone may well come along to the park and just be sure I am safe. I also made it clear that if he was to be looking to have something to drink he would have to bring something with him as the café would be closed.. I hinted that I hoped it would be tea – made to my specifications (as per my bio) otherwise I would get tea envy. So that was it arrangements made conversation over! – at that point I wondered if maybe he was talking to lots of different people on POF and so keeping conversations short and sweet to allow him to ‘multi talk’
However, the following morning was my birthday and when I woke up to POF informing me I had a new message – I sorta guessed it probably be from him – and I was right .. just a simple happy birthday have a great day message – but then I noticed something – something was different about his profile picture……
When I clicked on the profile picture to enlarge the view this is what filled my screen –
well immediately I KNEW he certainly was no warrior .. and he definitely wasn’t chatting to other women ( as is the risk on these dating sites) .. By changing his profile picture to this won him a few brownie points – even before I met him … This man HAD TO BE A NOMAD – creative, fun, energetic – all the traits required for such a spontaneous act at 6am in the morning… for someone else you have never met –
When my friends and Kyle came that evening I showed them his new profile picture presuming it was some sort of APP that you could do a graffiti effect with .. but they were having none of it and proceeded for the rest of the evening to refer to Craig as ‘Banner Boy’ and wind me up that the picture was infact not an app but real………
“You don’t thinks its WEE but creepy mum – he spray painted YOUR NAME on what looks like his bed sheets BEFORE going to work at 6am?!”
Please God surely NOT .. I laughed and giggled at their jibes at ‘Banner Boy’
“So you will spot him easily up at the Loch tomorrow then” Kyle jibed – “He’ll be the one with the airplane going past with I LOVE YOU PAULINE written on a banner trailing through the skies!”
“He’ll have been up and taught the swans how to swim in synchronicity as they PULL along a banner declaring his love for you across the water!”
OH HOW WE LAUGHED
But there was a little part of me inside panicking – what if they were right?!
What if he was some crazy loonball who had taken a shone to me instantly and actually meeting him in a park with water is putting my life at risk …. what if he just does me in and dumps me in the water?!?
When it was near the time to meet I left my place earlier than necessary – so he couldn’t pass me on the way to the Park – I was waking with my dogs and he would be driving ….
I wanted to be there early and already have been round the Park and so I am meeting him on my way OUT as opposed to IN …
So on arrival I did my lap of the Loch with the dogs – in the direction so that I could see the car park from afar – basically meaning I would see him before he seen me….
For some reason this made me feel safer – if he looked nothing like his pictures or my Gut got a ‘hunch’ I would just walk the opposite direction and never been seen or found by him again..
The car park was empty and I so seen the car pull in and park – my Gut told me that was him even though I didn’t know what colour car he drove.. I watched as he made his way to the café bench we had agreed to meet at – I liked the way he walked – NO TEN TO 2 FEET – My Gut said “Go For It”
So I made my way to the bench whereby we instantly agreed to ‘walk’ .. and we made our way round the Loch .. Unbeknown to him this was no relaxing stroll – this was a mission – to find out as quickly as I could what tribe he was – ideally without having to explain it to him – because I felt this would only make him prone to answer what he thinks I want to read.
So as a ‘Professional Listener’ I did what I do best – I Listened CAREFULLY to everything he DID and DIDN’T say .. I asked questions that would normally only be used in my therapy office – the poor guy probably didn’t know wtf was going on .. AS he had just moved to Fife he assumed all us Fifers were just like me – Nosey!
He spoke kindly of his ex and won more brownie points from me – I have a real distaste for people who instantly think they have got to be hateful or bitter toward their ex partner for the sake of me..
After another lap of the Loch and no signs of Synchronized Swans or Bi-Planes it seemed we had a lot in common – there was only 12 days between the days we were born..
Although our adult lives had been different – our emotional lives had been almost running parallel with the situations we had both experienced … It sounded like he also had his own experiences with warriors ..
We approached the bench where we started from – “Do you want a cup of tea?” he asked
“did you bring a flask with you?.. Is it my Recipe?”
“Take a seat and I’ll bring it over” – I went and sat on the bench as he went to his car and proceeded to open the boot and there he had a camping stove, water and a kettle! ….
I giggled to myself as he nearly set his boot on fire making two cups of tea – but he had won a few brownie points with that in my eyes … He read my profile – well at least down to how I like to have my tea..
Although inside I was impressed at his innovative thinking I could not let that show yet to this stranger – otherwise he will think I’m easily impressed! which clearly I am lol
He put the tea down and as he did inside me said “Thank you – that’s so very thoughtful”
but the MOUTH said “What NO Cake?”
Just at that he pulls a bar of Galaxy from his pocket and places it beside my tea – I was almost speechless ALMOST – once again instead of saying the polite think and thanking him – oh no – not me – instead I say “I hope you have brought one for yourself because I not good at sharing Galaxy” – in my defence this was clearly stated on my Bio… So he should already know this little quirk in me – if he read that far?
And he had – because almost as I spoke he pulled out another bar and put it down beside his cup.. that made me laugh .. and it warmed my heart to think he had actually put that much effort in – albeit it was only a cup of tea and bar of chocolate..
We had a few more cups of tea and we sat at that bench for hours – talking about everything and then some .. I realised very quickly how funny he was – hilarious actually .. Certainly NOT a warrior trait usually so I felt optimistic that this ‘nice’ guy would turn out to be nomad right enough ..
We seen each other almost every night for about a week and in that time I expressed how important it was to me that my wsn profiling said we were a match – so this mean the would have to fill out the questionnaire and answer all the questions HONESTLY – I would know anyway because he was clearly what I like to call a ‘Screaming Nomad’ – There was too much of the nomad traits showing through in his words and his actions, be that when he was talking about the past or the present….
But I made myself clear that if he came back the ‘wrong tribe for me’ then we would never be able to actually date properly.. No pressure then
Thankfully Craig agreed and answered the personality profiling questions BEFORE we had so much as shared a kiss.
His answers proved me right in my conclusion that he was indeed a nomad
his dominant tribe is Nomad, then Warrior, then Settler with least percentage
whereas I am Settler dominant tribe, then Warrior and Nomad in equal percentages
This was us on our first ‘date’ as a couple Sep 2013……..
We are now more than 3 years down the line and I can honestly say he is true to his profile –
he is THE most caring and generous natured man I’ve ever met … Kyle agrees..
But then it was inevitable he and Kyle WOULD get on
because Kyle is a Nomad dominant too – so Same sense of humour and fun.
There was one little ‘wobble’ in the Early days when someone else was answering the profiling questions and because I had not actually Saved Craigs answers on my computer he decided to do them again – along with this other person . As did my friend who was also there – and for some reason best known to themselves both my friend and Craig answered differently from their previous time and as a result came out as a different tribe … infact that night the 3 people answering the questions ALL cam back as warrior – when infact I knew for sure 2 of them were definitely not! –
When this happened Craig KNEW – as did I that if infact he was a moody, cold hearted warrior – and somehow he had managed to wing it and pretend to be a light-hearted nomad – That would be IT – OVER
It was too late in the evening to start redoing them again – for a third time so Craig agreed reluctantly to answer them the following day and sent them to me so I could put them through the software that works out the percentages and gives you the dominant tribe.. I can tell you that was LONG night – and the next day Craig phoned from work to find out the what the computer said now to the answers he had emailed me..
Thankfully he was once again the same tribe as originally had profiled him to be – we both took a sigh of relief …
We have talked about this since and Craig says he really thought that was it – I was going to finish what was a great relationship because of PERCENTAGES on some computer program!!!
It funny to think of it now – But needless to say I trusted the wsn personality profiling so much I ended a relationship and I put my faith in it again to such a degree it dictated who I would agree to date or not…..
Works For Me
FYI it was only 3 weeks into our relationship that my tics began.. and I cannot fault this mans attitude towards it … I did give him a ‘get out’ clause when I was first diagnosed – but thankfully he was having none of it ..