There is NO Title

Just like sometimes in life there are no words

This blog post ( for now anyway) has no title… 

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It has plenty feeling just no words

The feelings are non stop

Like the thoughts

Intrusive, Upsetting, Unpredictable and most of all – UNWANTED!

 

Is it me – or is everybody really annoying ?

Obviously I already know the actual answer – It MUST be me

Usually I know I am easy going and good natured

Sure I can get a bit upset and lose my cool sometimes

But it always took A LOT

Much more than the friends and family around me

I know this for sure because they have told me on numerous occasions through my life

“Stop being so understanding all the time – just get annoyed like everyone else”

“Your too soft that’s your problem – I would just say no”

“Your too easy going – I would have to say something and get them told”

But I always naturally could see the ‘other persons’ point of view

I would be able to explain to myself the ‘why’ they are doing this and this explanation would be good enough to prevent me causing an unnecessary argument – or cause any bad feeling… because I felt I had an understanding of their actions/behaviour/opinion.

This could explain why I spent years working within the care sector in one way or another – and ultimately what led me down the path to become a therapist.

The Good Old Days 

I have also always been commended on my patience as well as my understanding,

My ability to ‘put myself in their shoes’ or ‘ look at it through their eyes’ was something that came automatically to me – even if I was in a situation I was hurt or angry.

So much has changed – I am not sure where or when this monster was created

whether this happened overnight or slowly crept up on me

But her presence is undeniable 

As much as I want to be –  and still feel like the same old me inside 

I’m unsure if Tourettes or the Menopause is the biggest contributor to this ‘other’ side of me ..

This is a side of me I neither recognise nor like

But I know that my mind NEVER stops – constantly flashing images of the fatal danger about to happen in the next few seconds to the person I’m trying to have a conversation with…  or the person/dog in the room I’m sitting in

for example I went for a walk into the countryside with my friend and our dogs and within minutes and walking only a few hundred feet my mind had already seen a telegraph pole fall on top of her crushing her … the electric cable above us snapping and falling onto her electrocuting her… the other 2 dogs run off terrified over the field and get shot by the farmer …

All this running through my head as I do my best to have a ‘normal’ conversation

“So how are you doing Pauline?”

“I’m okay , yeah I’m good”

 

LIAR!!

I am okay (if I ignore the imaginary ‘bogie man’ that in my head jumps out from behind the hedgerow wielding a giant crop cutting scythe ready to cut someone in half)

Yeah I AM good – ( if I can just stop the flashing images of everyone and everything around me that I care about being somehow horrifically maimed or killed)

Add to these continual morbid outcome images the now almost constant feeling of helplessness – not only with regard to the unwanted intrusive thoughts – but also in regard to my emotions

It seems the once understanding patient Pauline has turned into an unpredictable emotional nail bomb

The sudden onset of unwarranted emotions is something I initially linked to my age – but learning more about Tourette and the co-morbid conditions that can come with it, has made me consider that the TS may well be the cause of the outbursts..

I don’t know why  – but my mind thinks is big and clever to ‘over react’ to simple situations I would have previously just been able to ignore …

I must be a nightmare to live with for both Craig and my 3 Amigos – I am almost constantly on edge seeing imaginary danger when Craig is doing practically anything   – even worse if he is doing something with a power tool ..   I worry the open fire we love so much is going to spark and burn one of the dogs lying in front of it.

As soon as the dogs get comfy in front of the lovely inviting flames – I see the pandemonium that ensues when the hot ember burns the poor sleeping dog – I get the feeling of guilt that I knew it was going to happen and didn’t move the dog away.

The image of my loved ones on a mortuary slab having suffered a horrific death is repeated on a loop … changing each time to a different person I care about and a different way of dying in a horrific way ..

These are just a sample of my intrusive thoughts regarding death –

There are MANY more –

All the time I have this feeling like its my fault – so far I have used all the tools and techniques I have under my belt and nothing makes any difference for any length of time..

I most commonly use EFT (Tapping) as mentioned in a previous post – But it hasn’t stopped these thoughts and the feelings associated with them completely – however it seems to help in the short term .. before more intrusive thoughts and feelings arrive….

The other really difficult change in me is my tolerance levels –

whereas before I could tolerate noise and commotion without any issue – coming from a family of 5 and being the youngest,  was what I thought gave me the coping mechanisms for this.

But so much has changed

Gone is the love of playing drums on Rock Band LOUD with a group of friends –

Gone is the enjoyment of having a few friends round at the same time –

Gone is the ability to concentrate and stay focused with background noise

Gone is the talent of being able to ‘just ignore it’

Gone it seems is the capability to ‘just let it go’

Instead I find myself ready to either burst with temper or tears at the sound of the dogs running around playing – the noise their feet make on the laminate never used to trouble me … but now its like someone playing drums in my brain – and I cant even hear myself think

It so unfair – I love them and want them to love each other – which of course involves a little noise now and then when they are playing and having fun chasing each other.

But with each tapping sound on the floor my heart rate seems to increase – and of course I have these images flashing into my head where one dog mauls the other one to pieces!..

If you add the sound of the dogs – the tv in the background .. the sound of the outside world as people pass by –  then perhaps add to THAT another person who wants to ‘talk’

SHUT UP WORLD

Its like the stimulation of the normal world is too much for me – the sound of people talking .. even worse if they are loud …or fast..  too much movement on the tv even seems to make me unable to concentrate… people touching me or being too close is even having an affect on me now …?!?!?

my nickname growing up was ‘Cuddles’ because I was so ‘touchy feely’ and affectionate – fast forward to now and any stimulation be it even a touch on the arm sets my tics and my flashing images off –  neither are what you want sitting down to watch a bit tv with your other half of a Saturday night

The rational part of me obviously does my upmost to poo poo these images by reassuring myself how unlikely it is – but my mind is as sharp as tack and looking to convince me so will then argue back with myself giving me a scenario that then leads to the very image that I was rationalising

Of course my mind doesn’t have the decency to just give me upsetting images to deal with –  oh no!

I also have a running commentary that is somewhat derogatory towards myself and even though I have used all my tricks to quieten this unwanted opinion – including playing circus music behind it and even imagining the voice as sounding all high pitched like Mickey Mouse – and this has definitely helped I’m sure of it – But as yet I have to find the OFF switch

This internal voice is a constant reminder of uncomfortable facts –

“this us not how it was meant to all be”

“why would Craig want to be with you – you are nothing like the person he met – he didn’t sign up for this – who would ?”

“You are bringing NOTHING to this relationship except negative”

“He would be better off with someone who is actually bringing something to the relationship”

I look at myself in the mirror now and I hardly know this person looking back at me

I feel I have no purpose or value like I used to

The biggest feeling I seem to carry all the time is guilt – guilt about everything –

Guilt that I am not the partner Craig thought he was getting when he started dating a self employed independent woman…   I wont go out to eat because I worry that my tics offend someone around me and spoil what could be a very important meal for them.  I avoid going to any kind of shop because I know I will tic and draw attention to  myself. So instead I choose to let him go by himself and then just hope he is home quick because until he is – I have imagined every conceivable accident/ mugging/shop burglary possible.

Guilt that I am not able to be just Kyles mum when he comes to visit – without the shouting and swearing and jerking coming into play – no longer do we play Rock Band,  no longer do we walk the dogs together , no longer to we go for a wee lunch date  that turns into a sesh….   I feel his embarrassment of introducing me to anyone new in his life and having to ‘explain’ or make excuses for me..  Guilt I’m no longer a regular source of home cooked meals – my hands get too sore so either Craig cooks or even Kyle does – or we phone in..

I feel guilt that I am not the person I used to be even for my friends – my mind makes it much more difficult to be a good listener like I used to be, I forget so much that they have already told me..  They have to accept that I wont be eating out with them – or coming to social events in big crowds..

I feel guilt I am not the dog mamma I was before I was too embarrassed to go outside alone and just go for a long walk with my 4 legged friends .. I get annoyed at them just having fun.  I watch them all pile on top of each other to sit on Craig and I cant help but wonder if they are sensing the rollercoaster that is my mind and emotions and this is putting them off being beside me.  I have had dogs all my life and all of them would sit by me before anyone else ..

I feel guilty that when Mojo gets excited and makes a noise I lose control in some way – either by ticcing more or feeling instant rage at the high pitched sound making my brain bleed…     where is that patience?   I look at her wee face and feel guilt I cant just ignore her wee foibles – she is the gentlest natured dog ever why cant I give her the patience she deserves only being a baby herself..

GUILT  GUILT  GUILT

I feel guilty I am NOTHING like the person I thought I was

I liked her better – she was in control of her thoughts and her feelings – and especially she was in control of her SELF  – She was a fun loving optimist who always managed to see the funny side of a situation – she was a person who helped others to create HUGE changes in their lives … She brought something worthwhile to the party that is life.

I genuinely feel bad for the people around me that have to put up with me now

I have all this stuff in my head I cant control – and this is making me hard to live with

I know this – not because they have told me

but because I live with me too – and I am doing my own head in

The therapist part of my me will not let me accept that this ticcing and co morbid OCD stuff is anything other than  temporary and I will discover how to be in control of myself again – I will be free from tics and tempers –

Then I tell myself to face facts – I have Tourette – I should just learn to accept that and stop kidding myself that I will ever be able to actually tame this beast

Maybe I have always had it?… living with my mother I would have had any sign of a tic beaten out of me .. so maybe I was holding them all in?  I’ve always been a ‘fidget’ and for a long time I know I’ve talked to myself – like when doing a task in the kitchen or something.   my friends just laughed and I would pass it off as talking to the dog..

now I am wondering was I ??

It all one me saying I didn’t have it .. I cant ask any of my family because I have had no contact with my mother for almost 25 years – and my dad has passed in this time .. My siblings have came in and out of my life as they pleased – being the youngest for a very long time I put up with this happily .. I loved them and whenever they wanted to show that they cared about me that was welcomed ..  of course I am a lot longer in the tooth now and I realise all my WSN stuff so I make the choice now for none of my siblings to be in my life – I wish them all well – and I still love them – but they will never be a part of my life again –  too many times they have picked me up then dropped me when they no longer needed something from me…   Being estranged from my family has meant I haven’t kept in touch with extended family such as aunts or cousins ,,  I suppose that’s because I was still young when contact with my parents was severed and my gut feeling was – if my own parents didn’t want me in their lives then why would any one elses parents?   So although many of my extended family live fairly nearby me – we never see each other ..  its just the way its always been

So when push comes to shove and the medical profession are asking me if anyone in my family had a ticcing disorder — I don’t know for sure – half my life I haven’t known them.

My mother ( and one of my sisters) used to say “mh mm” to themselves – I never had the guts to ask my mother .. but my sister was unaware she was doing it – so maybe TS IS in my family ..

And it does seem that every time I put a comment on a post/thread regarding TS and I mention that I have only had it for a few years – I ALWAYS get at least one person attacking the information – saying its impossible to get it in adulthood . The condition is diagnosed in teenage years if not before .   I am told this over and over again .

Some people get so angry at my ‘claim’ they demand ‘proof’  – I am unsure what it is they want from me that would merit being proof .

My PROOF is I spend my waking hours twitching and tensing muscles and joints I forgot I had….. I can barely sit still to properly eat a meal all the way through without dribbling it down my chin or having one arm stuck in the air like superman.. I quite often have to clap to be able to swallow my mouthful  and even then my throat will ‘tic’ and close meaning no matter how hungry I am I am unable to swallow I know I will be sick if I try ….  All the while I am shouting out random words and pointing … Of course I do my best not to give energy to the REAL LIVE Final Destination thoughts that begin as soon as I open my eyes for fear of people thinking I am actually going off my head…. Sudden onset of ‘brain fog’ that seems to act as a paralyser and keeps me in the same spot/position for a length of time … how long i am not  truly sure … It like someone hits pause on me and I am ‘stuck’ until some sort of stimulation like dork barking or someone talking ‘snaps’ me out of it… I lose  A LOT of time with this……..I have to only wear specific clothes against my skin – unfortunately that is predominantly soft flannelly fleecy type material – and mostly that is pyjamas – .. anything else against my skin and my tics get set of because it feels like hundreds of creepy crawlies all over my skin…. I have to get out of bed when the duvet cover material feels ‘wrong’ and is keeping me awake and making me tic just having it touch my skin….. I have had to throw away all my bedding and replace with 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton -…. I have to take medicine to help me relax long enough to slow the tics,  and the slow the thoughts of monsters and murderers in the dark just enough for me to fall asleep….  my dreams are then usually filled with more monsters and terror resulting in a restless sleep ….. Only to wake up with my whole body sore and stiff as if I have ran a marathon ( and its not my bed because its fabulously comfortable) ….my hands and fingers aching from the tense position I have inevitably been holding them in throughout the night…making using them agony… .It can take a full hour to have dexterity back in my fingers and hands .. and sometimes just as long with my feet…..  Then the world just starts with its noise all over again…….. hand in hand throughout the day/night with all this is the ongoing change in my body temperature – from freezing and in full fleece – to stripping off down and into to a vest in record time …

off – on – off – on – off – on!

 

Maybe I actually am better off in a padded silent room

I’m sure if I read this post back I will think it

or maybe even delete it altogether

but I’m deciding not to re read it and just publish it – warts and all

I hate having Tourette

But then I’m pretty sure those around me hate me having TS MORE!

I don’t think I’d want to be around me

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There is Nowt Stranger than folk

Warrior Settler nomads –

what’s it all about and why is it so great ?

So I have already done an earlier post on this vast subject that ended up being predominantly about warrior settler nomad (WSN)  and how hypothetically your tribe may well be already be strong enough to ‘show’ through the ‘bump’ to the outside world.

This totally fascinating and addictive theory in human evolutionary psychology comes from Terence Watts – one of the UK’s leading hypnotherapists and psychotherapists –

find him here at Hypnosense.com ..

I have been fortunate enough to train personally with this man after contacting him to thank him for writing such an eye-opening, life changing book ..

Since discovering the book I have done every piece of training on the subject available….  it was infact the WSN advanced training course that was the catalyst to end my last long-term relationship with a narcissistic warrior

“We’re aw Jock Tamsons bairns” – old Scottish Proverb 

How it all began – In the early days of man (the species we are today) we were all basically wandering nomadic savages.. nomadic in that we never stayed too long in the same place – usually following the seasons and the food, however there would have been more than one single tribe of these wandering savages – so when one ‘bumped’ into another – they had the choice to fight or flight ( for their food or shelter)

So even though there would have been many groups of these nomadic tribes,  Effectively – everyone one of us could trace our family tree back far enough to discover that infact come we all come from the same tribe…  originally

However ( simplifying this to get to the important information) at some point in our history that changed forever….

It’s not important who said what to who first –  But basically a few people decided they wanted to stop wandering the land – they preferred a more peaceful, stable existence and so they decided to stay in one location – base themselves there  – they built longer lasting shelters –  this is of course would have been the very first ‘settlements’ of permanent homes .. this went on to include domesticating animals and farming the land  – these were the ‘SETTLERS’ – and they were happy enough to all work together to put the hard work in now – and reap the benefits at a later time – after all they weren’t going anywhere anymore.. they went on to become the teachers and healers

The rest of the wandering savages carried on their nomadic ways 

Then came another split in the tribe – those that no longer wanted to ‘fight’  yet did not want the responsibility of being tied to one place like the Settlers – these were the true nomads – fighting was too savage for them and settlements did not deliver the constant stimulation or excitement that being on the move did – So they continued to travel the land … Only now they would periodically encounter a peaceful settlement and here they would stop off for a time – to avoid the hard work and being very inventive most of them became the entertainment – the magicians, the dancers,  the old clichéd gypsy fortune tellers and the snake oil peddlers…..this would all be exchanged for shelter and food while they passed through the settlement

The tribe that was left – were the savages – the ones that would always choose fight over flight – the true Warriors.. being more aggressive and control hungry than their counter parts this is the tribe that would want the benefits and comforts of the Settlers – yet just like the nomad, were not prepared to put in the work required – much easier for them,  far closer to their natural behaviour, would be to launch an attack to ‘take over’ the already established settlement – with all its already farmed land and animals providing supply of milk and food.

So the peace-loving settler would have a choice — fight or flight …. Suffice to say they stayed true to their tribe and gave in to the warrior, allowing them to take control of the settlement .. Perhaps the Settler would move on and create a whole new settlement elsewhere – others stayed and accepted that now it all belonged to the warrior and now they ‘worked for the man’ –  probably even to the point of being ‘sent’ by the self-appointed warrior in charge to defend the settlement from yet another warrior tribe looking to take over

I think this is still what’s happening in the world – however instead of the warriors  fighting to take over settlements and sheep – now the warriors in charge are fighting over oil fields and countries.  Most of the time sending the settler and nomads to do their bidding ( just my opinion)

6 degrees of separation

So after the original wandering savage tribe splits – now there are three

The peace-loving, fellow-man driven settler,  The fast paced, exciting, impressive and fun-loving nomad and The fiercely controlling, aggressive, self orientated warrior.

But of course during all this time of nomads passing through settlements and warriors taking over there would have undoubtably been some mixing of the tribes sexually – So there would have been very limited numbers of 100% in any one tribe – especially since we all originated from the same tribe anyway!!

WSN FAM TREE

So as you can see from my theoretical family tree of Warriors, Settlers & Nomads –

We ALL have some percentage of each tribe within us that go to make up the 100% unique mixture of genes passed down from our ancient ancestors in our DNA..

EIn that ONE single cell that split to become YOU was a mixture of all your ancient ancestors DNA  –

 from both sides of your parents…

We already know that through our genes and DNA we can inherit anything from illness to ginger hair

What is not so well-known is that we can also inherit the inner resources associated with each tribe –

as well as their behavioural traits..

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WARRIORS

So todays modern warrior would not necessarily be the weapon wielding savage from our past – however having inherited the resources of  ASSERTIVENESS, PLANNING, SELF CONTROL, DRIVE & DETERMINATION to name a few its much more likely to find todays successful warrior in a position of power in some way – anything from being inN charge of a group of people – to running a country.   If they don’t have enough power and bearing in mind they can never get enough of control or power – then they will likely be planning on how to get it!

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Now without getting too complicated here – there are sub types in each tribe according to percentages of the other two tribes  –  We can get Warrior Leader, Warrior Ruler & Warrior Crusader = this is where the WSN advanced training came in and explained how there are differences between each type of warrior .. All in all there are 6 – 3 of each kind and a positive and negative one of each

SETTLERS

Todays Settler dominant types are more people pleasers, they are the ones who just want to have everybody happy – sometimes to their own detriment. These are likable down to earth people, no glitz or glamour here – just a warm welcome, they too have inherited inner resources true to their ancient settler tribe also including – BEING ADAPDABLE, INTIUTION, STOICISM, PATIENCE, DISCRETION to name a few… You find a modern-day settler dominant type in a job or a position that involves patience and understanding – such as teachers or therapists – even without qualifications often these are the people we choose to go to when we need to speak to someone about a topic that is delicate in some way. Although no fool and with almost a special ‘sixth’ sense for others moods and a desire to make the world a better place everyone , these easy-going folks can often get taken for granted.

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When it comes to the sub types for this tribe – each again decided by the percentages of the other two tribes – we get – Settler Carer, Settler philosopher, Settler Doormat – with a positive and negative of each

NOMADS

The nomads we have around us today do not necessarily have to show the obvious trait of always moving around – some may even have stayed in the same house and job for many years – but there will be an area of their life they get to let that part of them free – such as being an actor or an artist of any kind.  The inner resources passed down to these people of the world include – BEING INSPIRATIONAL, MOTIVATIONAL, CREATIVE, INVENTIVE, INSPIRING, ENTHUSIASTIC..  Best when able to let their boundless energy out in something exciting and dramatic – like art or dance – otherwise the clever inventive mind of a nomad will find a way to create that much-needed drama and excitement in their lives.  Although they prefer to take life not so serious as their tribal counterparts the nomad is an extremist by nature – so they really throw themselves into something, be that something a negative or a positive ..

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Same applies with our nomads – the 2 sub types here are Nomad Inventor, Nomad Trickster and  Nomad Entertainer… each one decided by percentages of the other two tribes … and yet again we have a positive and negative version of these giving 6 types again …

Then of course there is the COMBINATION PERSONALITY – this is the one who has the tribal resources and influences in equal amounts – this person once again has a negative and positive version – easy to tell apart being extremist by nature – the positive one is the person we refer to as having the golden touch, wherein everything they seem to do is a success…

.”if they fell in shite they would come out smelling of flowers”

or there is the negative version and doesn’t take too much working out that this tribe has difficulty making anything work out successfully for them – it seems no matter what they f*ck it up

So to keep it simple I will only be referring to the DOMINANT tribe – the one with the HIGHEST percentage  –

forgetting about he subtypes ( at least for now lol)

Getting Along 

When it comes to today and in our modern world how we all work together – it seems to me like the warriors are running the world – they are predominantly the Presidents and Leaders , making decisions to suit the few that negatively affect the masses..

They like to be in charge – now when it comes to nomads they hate being controlled – they crave freedom and space ..   The warrior likes to plan and have every possible pot hole covered..  the nomad likes to be spontaneous and just go with the flow  ….. warriors are usually the quieter ones – and funnily enough the nomads are usually the loudest!

 The warriors are sticklers for rules and regulations – especially if they happen to be the one that made them – yet the nomad will forget there was even any rules in the first place… The warrior is listening to every word you say – not because they are good listeners per se but more incase they hear anything that could be of any use to them  in the future –

Strangely enough though after saying all that above –  and it reading like nomads and warriors don’t get along that’s certainly NOT the case –  that would be just to simple-

because infact the warrior is enchanted by the flippant carefree nomad – they are everything the warrior can’t let themselves be .. .. and in reverse nomads look up to warriors because they never seem to be ‘flaky’ like they are.. the warrior always seems to be confident and in control – and this is very attractive to the chaotic nomad..

So like a moth to a flame nomads are attracted to warriors – over and over in my life I have witnessed this to be true – irrelevant of which sex is which tribe – they are drawn to each other ..

The Settler is like the earthing to both warriors and nomads – The settler is the one both come to when they need to be properly ‘heard’ and the settler being such an eager beaver to make everyone get along better will spend as long as it takes to help the warrior understand the nomad – and vice versa

Settlers here in the UK at least are in a minority – Seems there are far more warriors and nomads .  The good thing for a settler is that they can make a connection with most people and so there is no tribe out-of-bounds for them – although the harshness and often coldness from a warrior –  especially in a disagreement can be too much for the peace-loving settler.. So they will retreat (flight) and use their diplomacy skills to come at the situation from another angle in the hope of reaching an undersanding

For settlers understanding each other is key – and they spend lots of time running through things in their head – just to get an understadning of them .. even if this doesn’t benefit or affect them in any way

WHATS IN A NAME

Now although the name and the description of a warrior makes you think they must be aggressive and/or violent – this is so not the case – infact the warrior is the LAST person likely to directly start a physical fight with you… That’s not really their style – not anymore – they are usually a bit to vain to want to start fighting and risking getting hurt – or even worse – get beat!!    So they warrior tends to be the one who is the silent instigator – the one that lit all the coals, loaded all the guns, stirred all the gossip, fuelled all the fires… and then stood back and watched it all as it ‘went off’   taking pleasure from their foe getting their cummupence whilst they look squeaky clean

The best way i describe the difference between the reactions of the tribes is like this

there are 3 men sitting in a pub at a table , 1 is a settler, 1 a nomad and 1 a warrior….

Another man comes into the bar and shouts directly at each of the men

“Your mum’ a big fat whore!”

The warrior – ruled by their head the warrior is unlikely to want to get hurt in any way defending someone else he just says “oh really” INSIDE HIS HEAD SILENTLY – he makes a mark in his imaginary black book of ‘people they owe’ – He is unlikely to make a scene or a drama. just a quiet note of revenge to be had at some point in the future – and probably not even by him .. more likely the warrior will manipulate the situation at some opportunity in the future and make that man pay at the hands of someone else while the warrior watches and enjoys the downfall of the one he was ‘due’.. and when the insulters body turns up wearing ‘concrete wellies’  no one suspects the warrior because he kept his feelings and intentions to himself.

The nomad will put on a great show – noisy and messy probably as he ‘acts’ out being all offended to the extent of tipping tables and even smashing a glass as he throws threats around about what he’s going to do to the insulter … Making a LOUD display of being offended .. but there is even a chance that within a few minutes he is laughing with the insulter.. brushing off the insult and moving on .. without holding a grudge

The settler is ruled by their heart so an insult toward anyone they loved is likely to see a response in them almost without thinking of what would come next – but also being the type of person to always see the best in others .. its likely the settler would stand up and say loudly – “you take that back – or Ill take you outside and _________”   The settler literally announces to the world what his intentions are and why  – after he has given the insulter another chance to redeem themselves and take back what they said – if they refuse to then every chance the settler will want to ‘go outside’ and get this sorted right now .. If the insulter doesnt redeem himself nor ‘go outside’ then the settler WILL punch him in the face

Of course this is only one situation with the 3 different tribes and how they most likely to react – if it was a different scenario – for example about money – then the Warrior will be the one to react the most obvious

So thats a little insight into the different tribes – in my next post about WSN I’ll share more ways to recognise each tribe n daily life and what to expect when you do –

In the meantime if you enjoyed this or you already recognise what tribe you are.. leave a comment and let me know

 

if you can’t wait and you want to find out more  you can buy the book here www.hypnosense.com

 

 

 

When IT IS A Good Time to Hit Yourself in the face  – EVERYTHING IS ENERGY – The many ways I use EFT to balance my own Energy Flow (& sometimes those around me)

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The energy in your body is like any other energy all around is

Just like say GRAVITY – You cannot actually SEE it.

But you believe it’s there because you experience the effects of it
So you don’t even need to actually believe this will help and yet,  in my experience it ALWAYS makes a positive difference that is practically immediate …
Be prepared to be amazed ….

And this same routine and tapping points can be used for literally ANYTHING ..

Believe me I’ve been using this for everything you can think of in the many years I’ve known about it … I’ve used for myself , others with them , others without them , the dog, the dog across the road (lol) …
It never ceases to amaze me and I’m sure some of you will find this tool very useful and Kids can learn this easy too ..

 

If you have young kids them they can either tap along with you  –

Copying you tapping – As they just tell you about their day …

This works well because As they talk about their day – so their mind goes through the emotions and thoughts they had that they may not infact either know how to
or even want to express to you …

So if you just make it you talk about your day – you may say things like –

“Today I had a good day because I got a parking space really easily for a change and didn’t get caught in the rain going from the car ..but then I was made little sad/mad because I had so much work to do ..but I thought oh well gotta do it ..then my friend joe made me laugh and that cheered me up again .. I had a delicious/rubbish lunch and now I’m glad to be home after all the stress in the traffic driving back from work ..back here to where I feel loved – I like that – I deserve that don’t I?”

Usually you will get agreement here and then ask about their day – perhaps giving gentle prompts if they are struggling .. Asking questions like ” did you have a good day today?” “What was good/bad about it” ” what do you think/feel about that?” “What are you happy for now?” .. ..

If you are tapping with your child/children and your feeling confident – then the added ‘subconscious punch‘ of using the gamut point is of course ideal ..

however the tapping procedure itself will hit on enough meridian points 
(flow points of our body’s energy routes running everywhere inside us) to create a ‘change’

By using our fingertipswhich are tapping points themselves
so it’s a double tap as it were …
I usually use the tips of two fingers just to be sure I am hitting the ‘spot’

Amazingly the tapping also works without any words used at all to do with the ‘issue’
Just by asking the person/child to draw a picture of how their day was or how they are feeling right now …
Once picture is done then a round of tapping and gamut with the set up phrase being
EVEN THOUGH THAT IS MY PICTURE – SO WHAT! I LOVE/LIKE IT ANYWAY

After the round of tapping and gamut offer the person to look at their picture again and decide if it STILL represent how their day was or how they feel …

If it does not then they can change or adapt their picture – often this is when they may add something like a sun in the sky or some other brighter colour than they used previously …or the image may grow in size  taking over more of the page – or if the image started at the top of the page – as they feel better about it it will work its way to the centre of the paper .,.
As each change or modification is made to the picture  – then another round of tapping is done with the set up phrase changed to be –

EVEN THOUGH THATS MY PICTURE NOW – THATS OK I STILL LIKE/LOVE IT ..

The session is considered finished when either they now want to make no more changes to their picture …they feel real good about it …
Or they may even want to scrap that picture and draw s new one completely
*Pat yourself on the back – job done ✔️

34fb496c-c228-4c15-939b-830019825f61-8909-00000437a418c091
The image above shows the tapping points and their link to both organs and emotions –

Remember WE ARE JUST A BUNDLE OF ENERGY CELLS – and ‘tapping’ on these meridian points releases any ‘blocks’ causing disruption to the flow of the life energy force – also known as the Chi

The tapping points –

Look in the mirror then you can be sure you are tapping the specific spot

SIT STRAIGHT UNCROSSED LEGS

FIND ISSUE
RATE THE ISSUE ON A SCALE OF 1-10

Either rub the sore spot

(2 inches down& across from u shaped bone on neck)
or tap the karate chop spot whilst saying the set up phrase THREE TIMES OUT LOUD

SET UP PHRASE – x3

EVEN THOUGH………… I WORRY,…… I’M SCARED ….I FEEL…… I CANT….. I DONT etc
I DEEPLY & COMPLETELY ACCEPT MYSELF
Or
I LOVE BEING ME – I AM A GREAT PERSON
( or any other end that is POSITIVE and probably the very opposite of the current feeling –  you can write your ideas down to give you inspiration ..  just say what feels right using words that feel right ….as long as they are positive)

TAP – hard enough to feel it but not hard enough to hurt
As you do this you can either say words or phrases that you feel about the situation ..such as “I feel angry”. “I hate them/this” ” I’ll never make a change” ……

Or you can just THINK & FEEL whatever it is your thinking and feeling about the subject your tapping on

5-7 TIMES ON EACH SPOT WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS
EYEBROW
SIDE OF EYE
UNDER EYE (MIDDLE)
UNDER NOSE
CHIN
COLLARBONE
UNDER ARM

GAMUT POINT – ON HAND WHERE RING &LITTLE FINGER MEET

SIT STRAIGHT, LEGS UNCROSSED – ONLY MOVE EYES

EYES OPEN – tapping on gamut while thinking about the issue
EYES CLOSED – tapping on the gamut while thinking about the issue
HARD TO LEFT – tapping on the gamut while thinking about the issue
HARD TO RIGHT – tapping on gamut – thinking about the issue
ROTATE 360 DEGREES CLOCKWISE – tapping on the gamut while thinking about the issue
ROTATE 360 DEGREES ANTI CLOCKWISE – tapping on the gamut thinking about the issue
HUM JINGLE BELLS – out loud  – tapping & thinking about the issue
COUNT 1-5 out loud  – tapping and thinking
HUM JINGLE BELLS out loud – tapping and thinking

REPEAT TAP SEQUENCE

RATE ISSUE AGAIN

CONTINUE TO USE SET UP PHRASE
– EVEN THOUGH ….there’s still a bit……..,I still feel a bit…..I DEEPLY & COMPLETELY ACCEPT MYSELF

EACH TIME YOUR RATING REDUCES  – SO CHANGE YOUR WORDING TO SUIT

IF YOU FIND YOUR ISSUE HAS NOT CHANGED
DO A ROUND OF TAPPING & GAMUT USING SET UP PHRASE ..
“Even though I don’t want this issue to change…..i still deeply and completely accept myself and I’m going to do it anyway”

If you find a specific point too uncomfortable to tap on – you can miss that one out – on the same note, if you find that one specific tapping point feels really good to tap on – you can also choose to just tap on that one point – You may find that like myself you end up  tapping automatically on one point just while I am in the bathroom or shower or even simply using the karate chop point to tap on the karate chop point on opposite hand –

*This is definitely worth sharing with your child because this gives them ONE immediate SIMPLE tool that can be used to ease/distract from symptoms 

You can also tap for other people (they do not even need to be present when you do it)

This is called Surrogate Tapping

You use the same tapping points with NO GAMUT ROUND
However the wording is changed to be

SET UP PHRASE – x3

EVEN THOUGH (insert name) HAS (insert feeling or behaviour)

I/WE STILL COMPLETELY LOVE AND ACCEPT HIM/HER
or
WE STILL KNOW THEY ARE A GOOD PERSON AND WE LOVE THEM

The following rounds the wording are also changed to suit and it’s although its impossible to ‘rate the issue with a number’ – at least UNTIL you have done a round of tapping anyway and THEN assess if it has made any difference ……same applies as above if there is no noticeable difference within a few minutes .

PLEASE BE SURE TO DRINK  PLENTY OF WATER AFTERWARDS TO AVOID A SORE HEAD

TOOLS BEFORE TICS

Now because I already knew this technique before Any tics arrived … I have been using this from day one – obviously tapping will not cure TS but can and does help alleviate everything around it … The Ripples in your life caused by having uncontrollable movements and outbursts –

For me that was/is  the frustration, the fears, the it’s not fairs, the tiredness, the anxiety and the embarrassment. – this along with other tools from my years as a self-development therapist such as NLP and  CBT have been part of my daily life since learning them.. So of course I used everything I had at my tics each and every time I feel an ‘unwanted’ emotion –

I firmly believe my tics are NOT as bad as they might be /could have been without these…

I have no evidence of this of course because the tools came before the Tourette  –

However  I hope fellow Ticcers find the time to give this a go and hopefully obtain relief in some way – ideally with a dramatic reduction in their tics and or anxiety.

This of course is not exclusive to Tourette sufferers –

As I said earlier EFT can be used for ANYTHING – So the benefit is there for EVERYONE

image

 

Warriors Settlers Nomads – tribes in the womb

So anyone that has spent any length of time in my company will most definitely  have heard me speak about ‘Warriors Settlers and Nomads’

You lovely people following this wee blog ( if you actually read the new posts) will have already read the term – warriors settlers and nomad

I touched on this subject on an earlier post called  MR Right on POF? #11 –

however a mere mention does no justice to this incredibly accurate concept for understanding self and others

In fact those that know me personally – are more than aware that in my daily interaction I will ALWAYS bring ‘tribes’ into my conversation

This is for one reason only –

PEOPLES TRIBES PLAY A CRUCIAL ROLE IN EVERYTHING

When I discovered the book Warriors Settler Nomads by Terence Watts in 2004, it was the first time I had read ANYTHING that explained so well – the dynamics of my family and my upbringing .

I won’t go into my upbringing here – perhaps this will be another post – or perhaps not

I have started writing a book about my life –

I did this instead of writing a list of all the emotional trauma I had encountered in my life

This decision was made by me after developing TS as an adult – and learning that some Tourette researchers believe that adult onset Tourette comes from past emotional trauma – much  like PTSD – and many people who have suffered emotional trauma have reported to have said that writing their experiences down was somewhat cathartic –

So that’s why I begun writing my story

I have written approx 12 chapters so far taking me up to aged 12 –

and actually in my humble therapist opinion THIS is the very age when EVERYTHING fell apart for me – I genuinely think this is the case –  Although there was stil significant  emotional trauma that preceded this age, but that was nothing in comparison to what this 12th year brought.

I’ve not written this chapter – year 12 YET – infact I wrote the first 11 chapters in a short space of time – over only a few weeks – however chapter 12 is sitting waiting to be started – and that’s been since Jan!!

writers block?

– I’m not so convinced

Or maybe its fear from my subconscious about putting it down in words – and then seeing those words – written down in black and white before my eyes –

makes it almost more real

Even though I am WELL AWARE how real it was

Because my memory has that year on ‘HD recall’ anytime

I remember the events like they were yesterday,  although I have done lots of ‘work’ on myself for this and I am/was pretty sure there was no more emotional attachment to it..

 

Whatever it is that has seemed to ‘stop’ me in my tracks writing this chapter –

I am hoping passes as suddenly as it came

Like hitting a brick wall – then it suddenly collapsing

So I have belief that this chapter and story will continue on just as soon as my subconscious mind can cope with writing it.

Anyway after spending a lifetime of confusion and misunderstandings – to the point of mistrust and a lack of connection with any of my family members

Warriors Settlers & Nomads was like a ray of light –

Shining like a spotlight on the differences that made a difference between me & them

ESPECIALLY MY MOTHER

Whom up until this point had remained a contradicting mystery to me – NOTHING I had read previously had came close to giving me a reasonable explanation for the chasmic differences between her & I.

For the FIRST TIME in 30 odd years there was a ‘reasonable explanation’ to why we both had such a bad relationship and low opinion of each other

She was a WARRIOR Crusader tribe and I am a SETTLER Carer tribe –

Now growing up as a sensitive peace-loving settler – I had a hard time coping with the harsh, cold and often volatile Warrior Crusader ..

But here before my eyes-  was a true to life suggestion on how the settler might feel if this warrior was their parent …

IT WAS SO ACCURATE IT WAS SCARY

There was a significant relief reading this book –

I genuinely felt that everything it said about me as settler and my alternative tribe siblings – as well as my parents – was for a large part of the time growing up – Having a detrimental effect on how I perceived myself...

As the youngest I couldn’t help but compare myself to them and or my parents…….

Yet I never felt a real understanding of their behaviour and as it felt so far away from what I thought I would do in their position  .. They all seemed so similar in many waysYet I felt I did not.

This magic little book literally changed my perception of myself & them

 

By the time I discovered WSN I was already No contact with my parents or any of my siblings apart from one older sister (Nomad Entertainer)

We were the most alike – personality wise

– but still so so very different

Immediately after answering the questions within the book to discover what tribe was MY most dominant –

I set out to find the dominant tribe of EVERYONE I knew

Just to check with the book and see if it tripped itself up

or explained the person accurately

 

My Partner was first to find out his dominant tribe

– result WARRIOR

Son Kyle  2nd – NOMAD

My sister – NOMAD

FRIENDS – WARRIORS, NOMADS,

Each one of these people I then shared the information ‘according to the book’ about their tribe and how that would manifest and show itself in their daily lives

EVERY SINGLE PERSON CONSIDERED IT EERILY ACCURATE

But Wow – where were all the settlers ?

I knew the book said they were in a minority but jeezo

I knew I could count on one close friend of 20 years – I KNEW she was so like me that she HAD TO BE SETTLER ..How else are we so alike?

This friend was actually 6 months pregnant when she eagerly filled out the questions

Both of us fully expecting her to have the same result and me

BUT NO – SHE CAME OUT NOMAD!!!!

I didn’t belive it – The book must be wrong – or you havent answered HONESTLY

 

Then I had a consideration – one not covered in the book – the pregnancy –

What tribe was her baby I suddenly wondered – could that be determined and altering mammas answers ?!?!

I speculated that if in fact this baby in her tummy was indeed the nomad and affecting her answers … and If this was the case –  then going by the nomad description and applying that to birth – then this babies birth will be dramatic, maybe premature, perhaps with cord wrapped round the neck , or emergency caesarean , or some other excitement/dramatic entrance into the world

So we waited for 12 months and baby was born and mammas hormones nearer her own levels again – Then once again Sharon answered the questions

This time of course – as expected originally – she was Settler

Yea! ONE more!

Amazingly Sharon’s baby boy was born in true nomad excitement and drama – as was the first few months of his life …

We both have watched Cory for signs of nomad traits –  and he has had them present from day ONE!!!!

He is now aged 10 and is what I refer to as a ‘Screaming Nomad‘ – meaning he couldn’t be any other tribe …  he is funny, a little geeky and a very sensitive boy  – prime traits in a nomad.

Having had a baby before and bringing that child up without the knowledge of different tribes and respective behaviours and responses – Sharon knew how to parent … But with more discussion we both agreed her older teenage daughter was most likely a warrior tribe – So totally different to her new little nomad !

We spoke at length – all hypothetical of course – just taking the nomads traits and working out how they would manifest in a baby.. Just as we did the warrior and the settler traits

It is my belief that you could hazard a really good guess as to the tribe of your baby after a certain point in development

For example – hypothetically lets say your having a warrior baby – my theory is that little dominator will be already planning on how to use their manipulative tactics to get mum to do something she would not usually do – such as getting up in the middle of the night and hoovering.. This baby would take up little space in the womb and mums bump wont be so big as other tribes.. The pregnancy and labour would go without a hitch .. most warrior babies will arrive into this world swiftly quietly and with very little fuss. Making very little demands for attention … Warrior babies are the ones that their parents say “he’s a little strange’ with people he doesn’t know – when infact he is the exact same with people he DOES know – he acts from the very start of his life-like he doesn’t need you.. except if there is a problem with them – like hunger or a dirty bum – THEN you will hear them make a fuss until THEY are seen to.. these are the less cuddly babies – these little ones prefer to just sit and watch – and you have to work hard to get a smile or a giggle from these little ones ..

Having a setter baby will instantly mean the bump will be noticeable because they like to make things comfortable for themselves in their – …the bump being filled with predominantly water – the pregnancy and birth for these little bundles are far more by the book – like they read the mother and baby magazine before arriving .. Being people pleasers  by nature these little ones will most likely give mum cravings of food she already likes – thus giving her total pleasure in eating for two. … These babies are the ones that tend to sleep right through a feed …… the are always smiling and happy to go to anybody – even a stranger,, They may well still be smiling from ear to ear even though they are sitting in up to their eyeballs in she-ITE…   These little one seem to have a sense of when to seek attention and when to leave mummy alone – like they have a six sense of peoples moods – and these are the little ones who will often smile at a stranger behind them on a bus without the stranger interacting and smiling first (who knows how bad that stranger was feeling)

 

Having a Nomad baby will likely be extreme in some way right from the start – be it that the baby bump is considered too small – or too big by medical profession.. the pregnancy and birth is likely to be filled with dramatic events such as threatened miscarriage, bleeding through pregnancy, very long labours …potentially only after forceps, cords wrapped round the neck,  stitches emergency caesarean sections  – and a jazz band!! (just kidding)

 Then after arrival again extreme is the word – this little one will use extreme tactics to achieve his goal – which like all nomads –  is to get some attention .. these guys are the natural performers of the world – so that talent for performing starts this early – to gain the attention they want (not necessarily need) they may well start choking on their tongues or any other performance that gets them attention – quickly!

 

After this hypothetical conversation –  and then Sharon going on to having a very nomad like birth and baby

I started asking everyone I knew what their pregnancy and birth was like – and how they were as a baby to find out if my theory was off the wall –

But I was amazed that people would come back and tell me what their mothers had said about this – more than 95% of the at least 100 people I asked – FITTED THEIR TRIBE!!

wow – practically everyone who answered the WSN questions to find out their tribe then discovered that their birth fitted the description according to their tribe!

I can speak from personal experience here having had a son who is Nomad – my pregnancy included .. The GP thinking I was having twins because I was SO BIG So quickly … Having a threatened miscarriage in month 5 …… 27 hour labour… Kyle ‘dramatically’ taken into special care unit at 48hrs old because he would not swallow anything …. amazingly he started eating normally almost immediately arriving but they still had to keep him there until all medical checks had come back – and they did saying there was nothing wrong with him…

*Of course there are still warriors and settler babies born by emergency caesarean everyday too – this is not the chosen arrival method of the nomad exclusively – And mums tribe plays a part too I believe … and the most dominant tribe prevail!

After reading this you may well be wondering what difference does it make what tribe anyone is – let alone a baby?

You might be wondering what tribe you or your loved ones are….

I will write another new post all about the different tribes and what resources and behaviour traits each one has …..

In the meantime ……

If you would like to get some idea of the category YOU fit into, count the number of times the letter ‘F’ appears in the following sentence:

FINISHED FILES ARE FREQUENTLY
THE RESULT OF YEARS OF
SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

 

If you counted correctly the first time, then you are probably have Warrior as your most dominant tribe 

If you counted correctly the second time you read it, then you are more than likely a Settler dominant

and if you counted incorrectly twice and needed to read it for a third time, then you are probably a Nomad dominant 

*Remember we have ALL THREE of the tribes within us – passed down through our genes and our DNA from our ancient ancestors

So EVERYONE is their own unique mixture of  percentages of warrior settler and nomad to make up them as whole … No person is only ONE tribe ..

I will do another post about the different tribes, their resources and behaviour traits..

If you read this far – humour me and please comment with your answer to the above and let me know your dominant tribe..

 

To be continued……

When Final Destination runs LIVE in your mind 

So I’m not going mad?

Only after stumbling upon this fantastic post from a blog called  Tourette Mama Insights

Read the post here –   Co-Morbid OCD

And thank you again for taking the time to write it..

I almost cried reading this post – strange you may think

But when your 47 and only been on this Tourettes bus for 3 years –

I am still looking for information and advice  – hoping to find answers to help me understand what’s going on with me

this article  resonated with me so much I felt as if the author actually knew me and the working s of my inner mind more than me or any medical professional I’ve met so far …
I genuinely thought my thoughts  were not connected to neither my TS or OCD

However I realise now how wrong I was ….. the horrifying stuff I see/imagine almost constantly is not me going mad

what a real relief …

this article has given me food for thought ..and I intend on coming back to this subject for sure in another post once I have fully digested all the information on TMI Tourettes Mama Insights within her blog …

the intrusive thoughts I have ….. I had no explanation for them

and hadn’t spoken to anyone in any depth about them …. For fear of freaking them out lol

I did not even contemplate my mind running it’s very own live version of Final Destination

was something that commonly went hand in hand with Tourette….

I have a feeling when I go read some more of the blog post from same author I will have some more personal realisations and AH-HA moments  regarding my TS…..

I do intend to come back and ramble a little more   – so watch this space ….

Be relieved at least when your reading my words your not having to put up with the constant noise of me putting you off  – honestly I give my self a sore head sometimes

When it turns out the consultant WAS a wanker

So we eventually arrive at hospital

following my Lemon Tea escapade

“THIS IS NOT A HOSPITAL!!” – outside walking toward the main doors which clearly said Hospital! .. I probably sounded like some confused mental patient.

Craig and I made our way to the reception desk

which involved passing Costa Café and the bustle of all the people

THE WANKER GESTURE RETURNED – oh the joys.

ALONG WITH ITS NEW PARTNER THE DEVIL HORN HAND SIGN –  devil_horns_hand_gesture_post_cards-r1eed457126c743ce9caf37e0c3fbf63f_vgbaq_8byvr_512

ADDED TO MY USUAL –

” HELLO ..HI THERE.. HELLO THERE THEN.. HEY HELLO”

I must have sounded like some crazy ‘Meet & Greet’ lady

I ignored my tics and did my best to not get eye contact with anyone as we travelled the corridor … passing patients, workmen, visitors, nurses, porters, doctors –

I could feel their eyes staring at me .. and who could blame them really when here I am walking past them saying “Hello” and making rude hand gestures.

The receptionist took my name and as she told me that I now had to infact make my way all the way back the way I had come to get to the department I was to have my procedures done

So back along the same corridor and passed the coffee shop and all the people AGAIN .. So if anyone had managed to miss me on the way past one way they were sure to get another chance this time!

Arriving in the ‘Day Interventions’ unit my heart sank as I seen the 3 young children waiting with their mum

I made such a conscious effort to hold in my tics knowing there was young kids there – I was grateful that no swearing came out at least.

Although I couldn’t stop the hand gestures and the head jerking so I was still drawing attention to myself and I hate that

Thankfully a little nurse shouted my name quite quickly and almost immediately she informed Craig he could leave now – th instructions to return in at least a couple of hours..

I gave him my coat – wouldn’t need that where I was going … and I followed the nice nurse through the double doors into the unknown…

“Take EVERYTHING off and put on these paper pants.. with the slit to the back” – these pants came all the way down to my knees!

“Put this gown on with the ties to the back” – the nurse instructed me as she directed me into a little changing room –

“Just come and give us a little shout when your ready”

“THERE YOU ARE THEN…. COMON JESUS… HEY HEY YOUR A CUNT .. HELLO THOUGH… NO YOUR ARE NOT…DONT YOU DARE…YOUR NOT JESUS ANYWAY HA HA!!” –

I dread to think what the other patients were making of the racket coming from behind the changing room curtain

“It’s okay Pauline – your nearly done – it’s nearly over” – I was constantly reassuring myself how well I was doing silently as my tics made their usual nuisance of themselves – always seems they are LOUDER when in a quiet area..

With my dignity packed into my bag along with my clothes and shoes I made my way out from behind the safety of the curtain

Dressed now only in BAGGY paper knee length shorts ‘Pants’, a cotton hospital gown with no back and my crocs –

I made my way into the little side room with the friendly nurse who then proceeded to ask me all the pre – procedure questions..

The whole time we are talking I’m still making wanker and devil horn hand gestures and of course the bloody pointing wagging finger…and the vocal tics blurt out when they find a space

“Okay Pauline can I just confirm your details, name and dob”

Perfectly normal question and fully expected in such a situation –

My response

“Pauline Ginnelly”  Just in the short pause as she is about to tick her wee box on the form I SHOUT – “ITS NOT HA HA”- .. She looked up a little confused

Yes it really is I assure her.. date of birth is 12/08/70 ” –

” ITS NOT EVEN THOUGH ANYWAY”  – she looks up at me again.

“I’m so sorry – I must sound mental .. its my TS –

it negates everything”   I did my best to explain

“Ah is that what it is” she said “I wondered what it was ..thought maybe it was a tic”

ARE YOU FOR REAL??

IS THAT TYPE OF INFORMATION NOT ON THE VERY TOP OF MY MEDICAL RECORDS???

“OK Pauline, how are you feeling about the procedure today? –

you know you are getting both colonoscopy and gastroscopy done today?”

“Ye I know this .. I’m ok actually ..and this is my tics ‘good’ but that’s probably only because I know I’m getting knocked out”

“YOUR NOT A NURSE!”- clearly she was

“CMON THEN” – sounding like I was challenging her for a fight!

“HELLO ..  HELLLLO”

Just as this is happening the door opens and in comes a lady dressed in her green scrubs complete with the little cloth mouth mask/guard used in surgery..  So I’m guessing this must be the anaesthetist…

Hi Pauline – I’m Moira– she had one of those soft sugary sweet whispery voices – complete with the false smile …

“HELLO… HYA THEN”

“Hello Moira” I made sure I looked her straight in the eyes so she could hopefully be able to tell the difference between me speaking and ticcing Hello

“HELLO THERE THEN “

Hello Pauline”  – SHE ANSWERED ME AGAIN!!

This only sets my tic off worse so needless to say for another 40 seconds all that was coming out my mouth was  “hello” and “hyas” –

EVERYTIME I ticced it – this ‘medical professional’

KEPT ANSWERING ME!!

She must have answered me back saying Hello to me in tones that implied she was getting fed up repeating herself

The last one being a full on patronising Hello Paulineas she stood slightly bent over with both hands between her knees

(not forgetting that big wide FAKE smile) –

with her posture usually reserved for dealing with children and those mentally challenged ..

I did not like her from the get go – all fake gentleness and soft speaking – but I could feel her impatience – like she was already getting fed up with me …

“YOUR NOT A NURSE!

I’M A RACIST!                NO I’M NOT!”

NO I’m NOT a nurse Pauline your right

omfg I thought I was going to laugh – do you think I’m stupid???

I’m the (blah blah I forget) and I’m who’s going to be doing your sedation today

her sugary sweet voice was making me feel actual sick now  –

WAIT WHAT DID YOU SAY –

SEDATION?!?!?!?!?!?!

MY STOMACH DROPPED  – and if my bowels were not empty before THIS was going to do it for sure

“Eh no .. you mean anaesthetic don’t you?” I checked for confirmation of her mistake before I reacted

No Pauline ..you are not down for an anaesthetic – you are down for sedation … so I’m going to put your cannula in just now so we can get started ok

NO NOT OK

I started to explain that I had already had an appointment with a consultant who AGREED on me having an anaesthetic for this …

But Pauline we do this procedure everyday …and we don’t need to use anaesthetic for it … the sedation we use is very good…..”

“No – I cant do it without an anaesthetic!! .. Can’t you see how hard it is for me to sit still??.. That’s the ONLY reason I am here today – is because I was told I would get a general anaesthetic”

All the while my hand gesture tics were literally

OFF THE WALL 

She was not giving up – I could hear the determination in her still soft and quiet voice

Now its natural to be a little nervous Pauline because you have never had this sort of thing done before – I understand that .. but I do these procedures everyday and there really is nothing to worry about

I couldn’t hold back the tears – there must be some mistake…

“But I’ve already been through all this with the consultant – he tried to talk me into using the sedation but I don’t believe it will stop me ticcing.. I explained this to him.. and he eventually agreed and said I would get an anaesthetic!”

I tried to make sense through my tears.

All she could do was nod and give me that FAKE patronising smile – PRETENDING TO CARE –

“You don’t understand that I’m not just doing this to be awkward … and it’s not about you – or how much I trust YOU ..this is about me – and how much I trust ME to lie still ..”

I know you must be tired – It’s exhausting watching you Pauline

?!?!?!

I swear I wanted to punch her!

I’m sure that your tics are worse because you are anxious and a little nervous about today and they will settle once we get you relaxed...”

“No – please you don’t understand – I DON’T ever stay still and even with sedation I don’t think that will be enough to stop all the little tics YOU CAN’T SEE”

Have you ever had sedation before Pauline?”  

“Yes many years ago BEFORE I had uncontrollable movements and noises”

What are you going to do for your teeth Pauline?” 

INSIDE ME WAS SHOUTING

What the fuck has that got to do with you OR THIS?”

“Actually the dentist has said himself HE refuses to do any treatment on me WITHOUT an anaesthetic”  maybe she would start to listen to what I’m saying now..

“So Pauline if the dentist has recommended that then you will probably be coming here – to see me ..”

AND YOUR POINT CALLER IS??

Will you be happy to use sedation for your dentistry work Pauline?”

“Well maybe ….yes … because in my mind it’s not such a risky procedure as this”

She shook her head and made a ‘silly you’ face to me

“Not really Pauline”

Part of me wanting to actually debate this with her – because in my mind – if sedation didn’t work when getting dentistry work done then the worst that could happen would  be a wound to my gum… or my tooth would break… or at very worst my jaw could get broken….. Compared to THIS procedure whereby if the sedative was not to work and I was to move then at worst i could RUPTURE my bowel and land up having to use a Stoma Bag for the rest of my life!!   Although admittedly I am no medical expert but I would think there IS a difference in the risks between dentistry and a colonoscopy – if I were to tic!!

But I didn’t have the energy to even start to debate this with sickly sweet – because I knew it was falling on deaf ‘ignorant’ ears 

So what is it that your most scared about Pauline?” 

“The fact I can’t stay still … and for the procedure I have to .. even though I may look like I’m sitting still to you ..I’m NOT .. its like a Pinball full of electricity bouncing around inside me – ALL THE TIME – even though YOU can’t see it – and that electric pinball breaks through to the outside and comes out as a tic.. I can feel them building up if I try to hold them in..”

But Pauline you will be fine because we can give your more sedation if we think you need it so you can feel more relaxed…. why don’t you think the sedation is going to work?” 

I realised she had every faith in her sedation but she was not listening to what I was explaining to her   

“Because I have Echolilia – that means I REPEAT what’s getting said …so if YOU say something to the nurse – which I’m assuming you will HAVE TO at some point …then there is a good chance I’m going to repeat it…. I have already explained ALL this to the consultant”   by now I was sobbing and all the friendly nurse could do was keep me going in tissues as I blubbered my way through the conversation

Who was the consultant you seen Pauline?………..

and what did he SAY to you?”

“I can’t remember his name – but I would know his face and I cant remember what he said EXACTLY – I didn’t think I would have to remember it all .. I thought this was already agreed!…If not then can I just Go home Please and I will speak to my doctor or something”

Next thing I know she has left the room and it’s just me and the friendly little nurse – still all she could do was ply me with tissues

when the patronising lady returns she has ‘back up’ in that she has a consultant with her … but NOT the consultant I had the appointment with a few weeks ago ..

This consultant has my notes with him and now there are green scrubs on either side of me .. one standing and one sitting … neither any more that 2ft from me…. the friendly nurse stood back on opposite wall as far back as she could and said nothing..

Their interrogation started – and that’s what im calling it because thats what it felt like …

Both VERY nicely spoken with lovely gentle lilt to their voices

But NEITHER of them listened to anything I was saying ..

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On and on they went – taking it in turn to talk to me.

So Paulinethe foreign consultant started talking to me …what is the problem today … what is your fear with having the sedative? ..you will feel very relaxed and we will make sure you are comfortable

“Because I can’t stay still…. I’ve already explained this to the consultant…is it not in my notes??”

The tears were uncontrollable now along with my tics

“THIS IS NOT A HOSPITAL       I’M A RACIST    NO I’M NOT THOUGH”

I did my best to work through the sobs and once again explain how MY Tourette’s works  –  I repeat what I hear …

So unless your sedative turns my hearing off then my TS will still be there ready to lash out without notice.

But Pauline, we use a mouth guard before we insert any instruments

OH IS THAT ALL THAT’S REQUIRED TO STOP THE TS!!!!

“The mouth guard and the sedative will only make it look to YOU like I’m not ticcing …it WON’T stop the noises that come out of me …Some of them come from a totally different place in throat!”

“HELLO JESUS!     YOUR NOT JESUS!    NO DON’T!”

ok Pauline don’t you want to just give the sedation a go today and get all this over with so you can get yourself back to usual routine …go back to work”  

Her sickly sweet voice and expression was making me want to vomit

 

“No – I’m not just ‘giving it a go’ ..

What happens if you THINK you have given me enough sedative but I can’t  tell you it’s not – if I can still feel the pinball then I know that it will turn into a tic.. and then I’ll move and do myself some damage – and I DONT WORK ..not anymore since I started making uncontrollable noises and movements

The sickly sweet one is now kneeling down in front of me speaking so softlyWhat did you do for work before Pauline?” she feigned interest…   I know FAKE interest when I see it

“I was a successful Hypnotherapist – ran my own business for more than a decade”  I was still struggling to speak through my sobs

Oh what type of therapy business did you run?”    

WTF?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME – SHE IS NOT EVEN GOOD AT PRETENDING TO LISTEN!!!

“I was a HYPNO therapist, also NLP Practitioner, BWRT Practitioner , EFT Practitioner, WSN counsellor amongst other things”

why am I even bothering to answer her when she is quite clearly not actually listening!

 

Then she just changed the subject

Pauline is coming to me for sedation for her dental work” –

sickly sweet lady said this OVER THE TOP OF ME like she was telling a tale trying to get me into trouble 

“I NEVER SAID THAT!!!.. I said the dentist told me he wanted me to have an anaesthetic – if that means I come here I DONT KNOW – I DIDNT SAY THAT”  – she proper had twisted my words to make it look like I was just being anti – sedation for this specific procedure –

So Pauline”   the consultant gets closer until now..

there are 2 faces less than a foot from mine!

I can literally feel their breath on my skin!!

“we cannot give you anaesthetic today ….. this is not what your appointment is for and the consultant you seen is now on holiday for two weeks … so what is it you want to do?…..

You have come all this way . you have fasted , and you have taken the moviprep to empty your bowels yes?…   

Why don’t you just let us try the sedative today…… and see how we get on with it?”

“Yes I have  ..but I still am not having this done WITHOUT an anaesthetic …NOTHING you try to say to me will persuade me otherwise”

“Ok so Pauline …..what do you want to us to do today?….. You don’t trust us to give you the sedative?…..You worry it’s not good enough and you wont feel relaxed enough?… you must trust us you know we do this everyday”

“NO .. this is NOT a reflection on you – either of you – nor is it a reflection on your Sedative………………

I understand that you do this everyday – but i do THIS (meaning my tics) EVERYDAY …So I know my limitations”

“Ok Pauline what do you want me to do for you today?… If you want I can write to the consultant you seen and make another appointment with him?……. or I can email him and (I got brain fog here and cant remember what he said)…I will write to your GP about today ….”

“Another appointment ??  – I’ve already been all through this … what good would another appointment do with him?  what for?? for me just to be going through it all AGAIN .. red neck shouting in the waiting room..”  I was genuinely broken at this point … what was the actual point in all this  “Can I just please GO HOME”

“Oh no Pauline we don’t think you have been shouting at us today”

WHAT?   EH? 

“No you misunderstand”

“No Pauline its okay we are not going to be reporting that you have been shouting at us” 

This was so surreal – HE THINKS – that I think HE THINKS I’m shouting!!!!

I think i just broke down into more sobs

The friendly little nurse spoke up “I don’t think that’s what Pauline’s referring to …I think Pauline is talking about her Tourettes and HER being embarrassed”

All the consultant did was shake his head and say “That’s ok” completely dismissive of the words the nurse was saying  – much like he was doing with me

We have dealt with Tourettes before Pauline” 

Have ya?  Have ya REALLY??? If you have then why have you constantly been answering what is clearly a tic??  only making me worse ?!??????

*I didn’t actually say this out loud – I’m just sharing my thoughts with you here

“Pauline are you sure you don’t want to give the sedation a go?…Your tics are probably much worse because you’ve got yourself all worked up and upset” 

“No – as a matter of fact my tics are NOT made worse when I’m really anxious … I am not anxious about the procedure … My tics are actually good today .. i was just saying that to the nurse..

But that’s only because i believed I was getting a general aesthetic … so I thought I was safe knowing my tics would be stopped for sure… Because actually if I’m REALLY anxious about something my tics actually Stop!

So If want to PUNCH ME IN THE FACE and then do your procedure THEN your in with a chance my tics might stop …BUT I DONT THINK THATS HOW YOU LIKE TO CARRY OUT THE PROCEDURE IS IT?”

I admit that I had almost lost it and my voice was raised – bearing in mind their faces were still VERY close to mine!!

“You just don’t understand – TOUCH ME – go on do it now (this is the same offer I made to the previous consultant) 

TOUCH ME NOW and you will see for yourself what happens with my tics …. IF ANYONE touches me it makes me worse – even people who I’m not anxious about… it’s not YOU its ME!!!!”

ONCE AGAIN MY OFFER WAS IGNORED

I’d had enough …It was evident that they were not going to stop there persuasion techniques,

And I knew there was no way I was being persuaded.

“Can I please just go home … I want to go home now”

They are still speaking to me but now its ME NOT LISTENING TO THEM  

I realise that the nurse told Craig to come back in two hours and I had gave him my jacket – my mobile is in my pocket

“please can I just go home,,, I just want to go home”

I think I must have said that no less than a dozen times

“Would you like us to get you some Tea & Toast Pauline?”

TEA AND TOAST!!!!!!

“No thank you i just want to go home please ..can i go home?”

“But you must be very hungry you have been fasting – can we not get you some tea and toast and you can have it in the waiting room?”

“No thank you I really have NO appetite NOW I just want to go home.. please can I just go home”

Eventually the friendly nurse speaks up again and volunteers to phone Craig to come get me ..

Then they were gone and the room was silent….

I realised it had all been for nothing!

The revolting Lemon poison ,,the being sick, the endless toilet visits, the stomach cramps, the starving myself for 24hrs, the whole nights sleep missed too scared I would shit the bed … ALL FOR NOTHING!

It took me a good few minutes to get myself together and just as I did the friendly nurse came in with a cup of tea and told me to just stay in the wee room until I was ready …. I could get dressed in there too,,,

She came back to collect me and I was ready to go – “Craig’s on his way.. If your feeling wee bit better you can take your tea and ill show you where you can sit and watch for him so you see him coming”

I followed her through a day ward to the tables and chairs at one end and I watched through the glass in the double doors for Craig arriving up the stairs and into the reception again..

I’m unsure how long i sat there shouting JESUS ..HEY HEY HEY … YOUR NOT A NURSE … etc

When Craig did arrive I couldn’t even speak to tell him what had happened until we were in the car because all I could do was cry – with disappointment frustration and relief from seeing Craig and knowing I was going home. .. Back home and now all I can do is go see my GP and ask what do I do from here –

To say I feel lost us an understatement…

I’m not a stupid person I maybe can’t remember NOW word for word what that first consultant said but I know that the last thing was ” ok Pauline I will have to speak with an anaesthetist about you” and when I asked about my appointment that was scheduled for only a few days later – he said he would cancel it and  would need a new one because I would need an anaesthetist there –

Why would he do that if it was just going to be sedation again?

Either there has been a mistake of some kind

(like when the same hospital lost my CT scan results for 4 months – claiming they had NO RECORD of me at all) OR

THE CONSULTANT WAS A WANKER!!!!

Read my Previous post about my plight with the consultant

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When Life Gives You Lemons (and you hate Lemons)………

I was a Human ‘Lemon Tea Machine’ FOR NOTHING🍋

So as per my  instructions on my appointment letter

I fasted from lunch time the day before my appointment.

I carefully read the moviprep instructions  –

Dose 1 – 7pm Sunday night – Mix moviprep powder with 1 litre of water..

(with an additional 500ml of water to be taken with it)

The discovery of it being LEMON 🍋 flavoured was almost enough to bring me to tears😭

I hate Lemon Anything  😖

Now here I was expected to drink 1 litre of the stuff …😱

I tried to .. I really did – but there was no way I was going to actually manage to keep it down –

 the Lemon flavour was making me feel sick..🍋😖

I knew the only way of getting it down and keeping it down …

was if I diluted the repugnant Lemon flavour more….💧💧

So initially I added fruit juice concentrate – enough to give me the runs on its own probably…😁

But still all I could taste was Lemon!🍋🍋🍋🍋

So I added  more water … and more water..💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧💧

 until it was weak enough Lemony flavoury to force down

In total I had to add an extra 2 litres just to stomach it

Add that to the ‘extra’ 1/2 litre water the instructions said to drink along with it –

So all in all there was at least 3.5 litres of this still too Lemony potion

And I was to drink this over 1-2 hours …😭😖

 

Suffice to say it felt like a torture –  and I felt like I would never get it to the end of it.

I managed somehow to keep the revolting mixture down….

Even though it did make my stomach distend and go rock hard, to the extent  –

I looked around 6 months pregnant😳

And by 10pm my stomach had begun making gurgling noises that were as sore as they were loud!

Assuming this noise and cramping pain meant only one thing –

It was nearing the time for the ‘potion’ to work 💩

So I waited

Between the hours of 11pm and 1am,  lets say –

I seen A LOT of my bathroom – thankfully it is my favourite room in-house decor wise

so appealing to my eyes as I shat SAT there at least.😁

But I thought it was never going to stop –  I commended myself on my decisions to eat lightly for the days leading up to this.. And wondered how bad it must be for those with HUGE appetites and real FULL bowels!! .. my sympathy went out to those that have gone before me taking this Lemon ‘Loose the content of your bowels’ Liquid -😳

Hats off to you my friends🎩

With all this time on the china throne – plenty of time for a new tic to arrive – and completely randomly as tics like to be

“HEY JANINE…… Your NOT a Frog! .. HEY HEY HEY… We DONT live in London HA HA!!” 

I started to think about the morning – when I was to take the 2nd dose …🤔

 

This ‘dose’ had taken up 5hrs ..😵

From 7pm-1am

According to the instructions the 2nd dose was to be taken at 6am

But by my calculations if I followed the instructions –

I would not be finished in time for my appointment at 1pm! 😵

By the timings of the 1st dose and allowing time for shower,

then traveling to the actual hospital taking around 30 minutes

I calculated that I would have to take the lemon potion at 4.30am

Giving me 2 hours to drink it

Then another 1hr for it to take ‘affect’ 💩

Then going by dose 1 – another 2 hours in the bathroom

Then that would leave me time to shower and travel without fear of having an ‘accident’


So at around 1.30am when I was semi confident that my bathroom visits were over …😳

I set my alarm for 4,30  – and got myself comfy for the next 3hrs on the sofa –

I was too nervous to go to bed to be honest and that same ‘nervousness’ actually kept me awake another hour😳😳😳

So when what felt like no more than 2 minutes after shutting my eyes my alarm woke me again.😱

Being that I knew what I was about to endure I decided to just go for it immediately upon waking making the potion up and get on with forcing it down my throat..the sooner I got it over with the better….😁

I was proper retching at the pungent smell of lemon making the mix😵😖

I reminded myself I’d done this already

It was just one more dose of the revolting lemonness and I’d be done.

So I soldiered on and got it down my neck –

But my stomach was having none of it – and almost immediately after finishing the last glass

UP IT CAME AGAIN

Now I had revolting lemon bubbles coming down my nose at the same time as the lemony water came spewing out like the exorcist –

My body obviously remembering it doesn’t like lemon

Only by the mercy of god did I manage to get to the china throne before the vomiting began

After another 2 hours of almost constant toilet visiting I was actually starting to feel weak

I tried some black tea with sugar to get the lemon taste out my mouth and because I was feeling so sorry for myself after being sick – now that I was breathing lemon flavour through my nose …..😖

hate vomiting – I usually cry like a little girl –

but today I decided I was going to ‘break the rules’ – I deserved it …

So I cheated – and I had a counter – A WHOLE COUNTER …obviously I eat it in teeny tiny little nibbles

Hoping it would melt in my mouth and NOT actually make it down as far as my stomach which of course had to be EMPTY

Just like my bowels

By 11-30am all that was coming out of the bottom of me was clear water – It was in fact the weirdest of sensations – I read on the leaflet about the moviprep that the bowel is empty when it ‘runs clear’

BY FECK IT WAS RUNNING ( like a hot tap) 😵😭😁😱😳

RUNNING CLEAR – Well it looked exactly the same as the cloudy colourless liquid that I had forced in the ‘top end’ of me

And if you’re wondering – yes its smelt of f*cking Lemon too!!!🍋😷😖

Making me want to be sick AGAIN ….😭

Yup Monday morning was something akin to a BushTucker Trial or some crazy war tactic torture for me ….

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Thinking the hardest part was over and I could now go to the hospital and have this ‘procedure’ done feeling confident I had done ‘my part’ – soon it would be time for me to relax and let the medical team ‘Do there part’ So I put the previous 24 hrs behind me and left for the hospital feeling hopeful it ‘would all be over soon’

 

Monday AFTERNOON……..

Well THAT Was a Whole New Round of Torture

I will tell you about in another post

 

to  be continued….

 

Tic-Toc Its Getting Near to Sh*t O’clock!

So I chose my last meal carefully… and went for something as light yet filling as I could

Craig’s Chicken and lamb egg Fried Rice – a regular favourite of mine

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Yet the more I looked at this usually appealing dish

My stomach screaming EAT Pauline ffs!  –  This is your last chance until tomorrow evening

The more I kept imagining THIS 

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I eat as much as I could bear of the delicious tasting lunch that Craig made me……

Now it is 4 hours until I have to take my first ‘Potion’.

Am I nervous – gosh YES

If you read my post with the 10 Random facts about me

then you will understand how this to me is torture 

According to the instructions on the packet – it takes a couple of hours to work –

yet in the next sentence it says

stay close to a toilet – you may need to use it urgently 

 

So on the countdown to this event lets call it – my worries are not of the procedure tomorrow – well not now I know I WILL definitely be tic free being anesthetized ..

If I’m honest what ever they have to do once I am ‘under’ does not concern me

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What does concern me is the fact that I don’t live alone –

just for today and tomorrow morning I would prefer if I did

The sheer thought of what’s about to ensue once this ‘potion’ has taken effect

The fact that there is another human being – in the same vicinity as I am when it is impossible for there not to be a smell ….

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And lets face it  – no matter how much you love someone… that does NOT make the smell of their poop any more palatable  – well not for me any way

And I don’t expect them to think mine is any different

 

its bad enough the dogs having to suffer … But at least they can’t speak of it

To say that I am embarrassed by this is an understatement ….

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Added to that embarrassment is the concern – how my tics will affect the whole thing?

Sometimes when I tic I am really using muscles elsewhere that can’t be seen

I’m actually considering just setting myself up IN the bathroom once after taking ‘potion’

Rather than having to worry about my muscle spasm tics making matters a whole lot worse

if you know what I mean…..

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When it REALLY IS time to sh*t Yourself

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Its the day before the day before –

which I know works out to be Monday  –

This is my date FINALLY for having a colonoscopy & Gastroscopy – Under Anaesthetic

I wrote previously about my ‘plight with the consultant for this privilege’

Anyhoo – today (Saturday) I’m thinking about this awaiting me tomorrow at 7pm and then AGAIN at 6am following morning

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So Basically – Anything  ANYTHING I eat today -🤔

will be only adding to what has to be ‘evacuated’ in about 24 hrs time💩😖

My tummy is SHOUTING – “Eat Pauline” – and I’m thinking eh well yes ok but I have to consider if its actually worth eating at all ?!🤔

Am I not just adding to time sitting on the toilet and lengthening my torment ?😖💩

Its only now I realise that most of what I eat IS high fibre ..

Weetabix….Porridge…….Granary Bread….. Bananas….red meat…..Potato with Skin ….

all my preferred foods – Advised against easting in the week leading up to the procedure

A WEEK 😵!!!!

I’d most likely be dead or VERY hungry if I had omitted these for a whole week prior!

Jeezo am having enough problems TODAY😳

trying to think of wtf I can eat and actually Enjoy

I have a feeling that I’m not going to manage to eat much

no matter how much my stomach disapproves

Screw You Stomach !!!

I’ve not to eat ANYTHING after tomorrow at 1pm anyway

So what’s ONE more day feeling hungry??

*Actually – I just had to give in and have a banana -😁

Stomach 1 – Pauline 0

Well played Stomach — Well played 👏

cally – I realise that ANYTHING I eat today -🤔

will be only adding to what has to be ‘evacuated’ in about 24 hrs time💩😖

My tummy is SHOUTING – “Eat Pauline” – and I’m thinking eh well yes ok but I have to consider if its actually worth eating at all ?!🤔

Am I not just adding to time sitting on the toilet and lengthening my torment ?😖💩

Its only now I realise that most of what I eat IS high fibre ..

Weetabix….Porridge…….Granary Bread….. Bananas….red meat…..Potato with Skin ….

all my preferred foods – Advised against easting in the week leading up to the procedure

A WEEK 😵!!!!

I’d most likely be dead or VERY hungry if I had omitted these for a whole week prior!

Jeezo am having enough problems TODAY😳

trying to think of wtf I can eat and actually Enjoy

I have a feeling that I’m not going to manage to eat much

no matter how much my stomach disapproves

Screw You Stomach !!!

I’ve not to eat ANYTHING after tomorrow at 1pm anyway

So what’s ONE more day feeling hungry??

*Actually – I just had to give in and have a banana -😁

Stomach 1 – Pauline 0

Well played Stomach — Well played 👏

Mr Right – ON POF?? … #11

This post has been inspired after reading another bloggers experience with using the dating app POF …… I can’t comment on Tinder or any other dating apps because POF was the only one I used ..  the original post by Brains and Bodies – 10 guys you will find on POF 

So after splitting escaping from the long-term sentence I served with a narcissist , this toxic relationship had taken its toll on me emotionally and psychologically and I took a whole year to myself to ‘dust myself down and get back up’ as it were

But the difference in me from the last time I was in the dating game was quite significant not only was I more than a decade older – I was now fully armed with all my trainings in human behaviour and language patterns , body language,  and modern phycology …

Actually the main difference was that now I understood what I had created for myself and why..

Basically I created a monster – and of course no one in their right mind would do that on purpose ( obviously ignoring Frankenstein here)  unbeknown to me our relationship was doomed from the get go ..   because I was unconsciously creating the very situations and relationship I was repelled by … namely my parents

Although they were married from a young age all the way until my dad died – from the last of 5 children I always felt very little to no love between my parents …  there was only criticism and sarcastic jibes from my mother towards the whole world –  my entire memory of growing up –  she was most definitely a narcissist ( my first one) and my father her ‘enabler’ for sure ….  Not only did he supply her with alcohol when he was teetotal himself but he also knew what she was like when he wasn’t there – she was violent …. very violent and cruel

She was also a functioning alcoholic,  Ironically she worked in the care sector with the mentally handicapped … well its more an Oxymoron because she was about as caring as Hannibal Lector – and that was to us,  able-bodied around her that had the sense to get out of her way when she was ‘doing a Molly’

I genuinely used to worry for the poor people she worked with ..knowing the price paid for ‘annoying’ her ..

for me it felt like the thing that annoyed her the most was having to be nice ..

As the youngest I studied those above me from and early age – I had a vested interest in working out what set her off – to protect myself in the future …  So I paid attention to them all – at their best and worst

My older sisters and my brother have all had their turn at being her flying monkey and each one of us have also had the position albeit temporary Golden child ..

It’s no real surprise to know I have been no contact with my mother for the last 25 years

I couldn’t wait to be free from her and did it the first chance I got – which was when I was 22 and just married …   my husband was a kind man and although I recognised and welcomed this as a good quality in a husband  as the years went on I worried that his good nature and lack of bad moods meant deep down he couldn’t really care about me – After almost 8 years together I fell pregnant and we were both delighted to say the least.. I already had one son Kyle when we met and all three of us longed for another pair of feet to join us..  Sadly this was not meant to be and in the cruellest of blows the universe decided I was to lose that baby because it was an ectopic pregnancy – the date the universe decided that should happen was Kyles 10th birthday!

They say a baby makes or breaks a relationship and in this case it was right – I felt terrible guilt for being unable to produce another healthy baby – and within a year the marriage had broken down – me leaving giving the reason that he was ‘too nice’

laughable to even think such a thing now – there is no such thing as too nice – I tell people this myself all the time – what there is – is too many NOT nice out there – taking advantage of the ‘too nice’

From there I dated a few guys – this was still in pre internet dating days of the late 90’s so it was done in the old-fashioned way where you meet for real first – when you get chatted up by them in a pub or a club..  no worries of fake profiles or catfishes then.

There seemed to be something inside me repelling nice guys – not consciously or deliberately of course but the relationship I had after my marriage was with a man who was no less than the complete opposite – and to cut along boring story ( or maybe another blog post) short – this relationship ended when he brutally attacked me and gave me what’s known in Scotland as a ‘Right Sair Face’  – I looked like an advert for domestic abuse  –

obviously I realised immediately this was not the guy for me – so I removed myself from that situation and moved to a different area with my son. . . Swearing off men for a while at least .

It was only after a few weeks and the bruising was disappearing that my friend talked me into going out for a few drinks…  I agreed

This is where Narcissist number 2 comes into my life … posing as safe in the guise of speaking to me because we used to go to school together – it didn’t occur to me I was being lined up as his next victim of choice ..

I seen the usual narc behaviour – the ‘love bombing’ although at that time I didn’t recognise it as that at all – I thought he was being genuine ..

Anyway its a whole other post – being with a narc for 10 years –

Shortly after meeting this guy I had decided to get out of the job I was in – I had been working within a secure unit of paedophiles – working one to one with them for a few years this had played a part in me wanting to learn more about the mind and how it works..    But I wanted to know about everyone – not just the paedophiles I worked with/

In 2002 I enrolled in my first Hypnotherapy and NLP Practitioners course and so began my love affair with matters of the mind… Through the years that followed I enrolled in more courses and read more books … soaking in everything I could learn about the mind and human behaviours/personalities

In 2005 I discovered Warriors Settlers Nomads – a book by Terence Watts .. by the time I had found this gem it was already a world best seller … when I read It for the first time in my entire life I understood a little of why my family members were the way they all were…. which of course was good and bad in different proportions –   I read about the ancient tribes and where we all stem from … I answered the questions to discover my dominant tribe – Settler – and when I read the description of a settlers traits of thinking feeling and behaving I truly felt like it was describing me!

I will do another post all about Warrior settler and nomads because its such an interesting topic of it own – but for the sake of this post I will say that I learned from that  book the why my mother and my sisters were all so alike yet so different ….  this book gave perfectly reasonable explanation for my mother’s behaviour and how that would feel to me …   and how being different tribes would affect our relationship.

Needless to say I had EVERYONE I could answer the questions to determine what tribe was most dominant within them…

when I realised that my then partner was the same tribe as my mother – my brother – and the sister that had offered to shoot my son …… I was what you might say disappointed –

RED FLAGS      RED FLAGS      RED  FLAGS EVERYWHERE

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I couldn’t get enough of this Warrior Settlers Nomads information and feeling so grateful for this book coming along and explaining so much of my life I had never found an answer that made sense. …. I wrote to the author ..  I sent him a thank you for writing such an amazingly insightful book and asking him when there would be more on this subject.

To my amazement not only did he reply but he invited me along on his first training for a concept he called SymbioDynamics – this was best described as warrior settler nomad – on the INSIDE 

I was more than delighted to go and take part in this – and so began my journey of Terence Watts trainings ..  All of which have been fantastic however forever holding the place in my heart for changing my life completely is WSN..

Fast forward another 6 years of gaslighting and silent treatments

I used all my tools and techniques just to survive those years and in that time I realised how that warrior partner never once took responsibility for  ANYTHING – even if I seen him do it with my own eyes..  he seemed to actually embrace and enjoy all the coldness of his warrior tribe.. especially now he knew a name for it ..  initially WSN didn’t make my life easier – it just helped me understand it better.

However Learning the role our Imprint Years make on us – 0-7yrs

  was crucial to my thought processes …

* Read 0-7 Imprint Years post here

Aaanyywaaays back to my original point #11

 

Now 2012 and some believed it was going to be the end of the world ,,,, and in many ways for me ……………… it certainly was the end of the way I looked at the world …..

I’d just completed the last piece of training there was on warrior settler and nomads ..  with this came a personality profiling software that worked out exactly what percentages of each tribe a person is made up from – their own personal cocktail mix as it were.

With this profiling I put together my results with my then partners and I’ve got to admit I  was not that shocked  to read how the relationship between these two tribes would work ..  or rather not work as was the case

I could see clearly written in front of me screeds of information………

I already recognised my ‘relationship’ how it was destined to continue on as it had become –  filled with coldness,  harsh accusations and even lies –  just to avoid the warrior having to admit any kind of wrong doing on their part.

By this point I had applied the WSN concept countless times before when dealing with other people and it has never –  I repeat – NEVER – let me down ….   I would read the description of the tribe and sure as eggs that person would always oblige this concept by acting exactly as their tribe dictates. I believed in this as much as I did/do the alphabet!

So for me it was an instant decision to leave and get out of the relationship, once I learned who he really was and always would be..

We had broken up before but we always ended up back together – not because of any romantic scenarios … but simply by sheer manipulation by the warrior.

I will do another post ( oh so many to do eh) on living with a warrior from a settlers point of view .. it seems I have accidentally surrounded myself with them growing up and up to this aged 42!

As soon as I could I was OUT and free – I had to force him to sell our house through a lawyer and when I went to collect MY personal things

HE CALLED 999 and claimed a gang of people were trying to break into his house – so 3 vans and about 8 police sped to his rescue…

As it happens HE was the one who got in trouble for wasting police time

That’s Karma for ya!

So for the first time in my WHOLE life I was now living alone aged 42

Before now I had always lived with Kyle and or a partner

I admit I was a little wary to live alone – I thought I would be scared and or lonely …  how I laugh at that idea now

TRUTH IS – NOT FOR ONE MOMENT was I lonely or sad or scared

Everyday when my feet hit the floor

I would remember that I was no longer affected by another persons moodiness or feel invisible being ignored and that felt GOOD

The best EVER

I can honestly say I was incredibly happy in that little flat

 

 

and so on to POF

Armed with my wsn knowledge I knew that I would be staying away from a specific type of the warrior tribe – when I decided to go online to POF I was curious to see if I could use this knowledge to whittle out the warriors and find myself either one of the other two tribes

So I wrote my Bio page carefully – including plenty detail and facts about me = like what chocolate I prefer, what t bags I use, how I expect a partner to empty the bins,  pretty boring stuff really  …………….

KNOWING in most likelihood a warrior reading it would have gotten bored halfway down and either given up or messaged me without finishing it  –  before making up their minds I talk to much

They would still message me of course – But their short, shallow conversation usually gives them away very quickly – they are the guys who just say one sentence …or even just one word in their messages.    Something like “Hi ..fancy a chat”    followed by ” tell me more about yourself”  or “what you up to?”  –  clear indications they had not read my profile ..  and if I were to indulge them with some information that was included in my profile they are unaware I’m repeating myself because they didn’t read my profile to the end .. this would be enough to make me discount these people no matter how much of a match POF reckons we were.    Of course there is was one loophole in my plan –

The very first line in the Original book about warriors says –

Warriors can often be mistaken for Settlers”

So this was by no means going to be straightforward….

However – the one good point about ‘virtual dating’ is that you can ask questions and chat away from the safety of your own sofa – which for many I’ve heard is the ‘boring bit’ – or too much hassle

But if you know what you’re looking for – words – certain phrases, questions they ask – beliefs they hold or even their very writing style can all give away clues to their true dominant tribe…

Simple difference –

Warriors write in A short, concise,  straight to the point manner –  with little to no emojis – or perhaps a single one – just to sound/look fun.. This can be spotted even as quickly as there 1 photo, 2 line Bio profile page and single line conversation starter putting the responsibility on you and your reply to sound more interesting than “Hi ..tell me more about yourself” …..Getting a proper conversation whereby both sides give out equally on information about themselves is almost impossible.. They don’t actually want to talk about you as much as you think being a dating site to meet people – warriors are interested only in themselves or subjects only they are knowledgeable on. They feign interest in you and what your saying  – but if your sharp,  this tribe is far easier to spot than they think – if you feel like your being interviewed as opposed to chatting then you bagged yourself a warrior my friend.

 

Settlers write like they speak – A LOT – they always give a reason or an explanation and they will also want to know about you – their writing style is more relaxed and chatty and nowhere near as formal – a Settler Bio will likely have taken them some time to ensure they are putting across all the necessary information to make dating them EASY .. Most likely their bio will contain more than one photo and although true settlers are thin on the ground …Spotting one is easy because they are the easiest of all to have a chat with – they can talk about almost anything … and usually do – at great lengths … So if you find yourself chatting away and actually feeling like this is a quality 2 way conversation that flows easily then most likely your chatting to a settler … But BEWARE because those cold calculating warrior men out there can do a good impression of a friendly easy going settler.. What with the true Settler being so rare chances are your got a warrior or a nomad – check their Bio again.. look for those clues

 

Nomads will often have much more photos on their Bio than words – they don’t do so good with the literacy side of POF – their bio and messages will be full of exclamation marks! and they do LOVE and Emoji or 10.. lots of joking and no actual serious or useful information. They are most likely to message outwith the usual hours of messaging – say in the middle of the night.  Nomads by nature are extremists – so their profile, Bio and conversation could either be FULL to the brim and they are messaging you with LOTS to say but actually just saying stuff for the sake of saying it …like telling you how good you look in your photos – its highly unlikely, they will actually read all the way through your profile and Bio.   unless they REALLY like the look of you (or your bio is very short)

  Or on the other extreme they could have an almost empty Bio and only one photo – with sporadic conversations that go days in between.. If you feel like the messages with this person are either just plain silly/funny or even just not quite making sense – almost like they are not reading what your saying to them properly ..

 

FACT TO KEEP IN MIND

the mind is not built to tell lies – and much prefers to tell the truth, hence why our bodies respond during a lie detector test….

For some reason – in the very beginning of a relationship (ANY TYPE)

people tend to tell the truth about themselves – even if they are only making fun and it sounds like its all light hearted..

So when you hear or read someone say something like –

“you shouldn’t really get involved with me I’ll only break your heart”

or

” I’m a lazy ____”    or       “I’m probably too Clingy/Moody”      or    “I just want to have some fun”        or         “I’d sleep all day if I could”       or       “I better not let the wife find out”

If you pay attention to what they say right at the start – even if its put across as a joke –  LISTEN!!!

We ALL already know this stuff deep down – usually when someone says one of the above or similar we get a ‘little feeling’ or a mental RED Flag –

 

Of course mostly we ignore these feelings & flags  image

and carry on regardless –

Its not until the relationship is over and he’s been outed as ‘one of the above’ that we look back and admit to ourselves we knew right from the start – but we chose to ignore it

 

 

So after a year of living alone I was ready for POF and I was prepared to talk to a lot of frogs (warriors ) in order to find my ‘prince’ ..

Although at that time to be fair I was in a good place – Emotionally, mentally and financially.  I had just set up Dunfermline’s first Laughter Yoga club.. and this along with my self development workshops were doing great.  I wont not have ventured NEAR any place where members of the opposite sex were had I not been because I had sworn to myself never to be hoodwinked by another warrior male ..

Armed with my arsenal of psychological weapons/shields I was ready ..

My profile went live and immediately the barrage of messages from men who’s bio says they have been a member of POF for 3 years!!! .. I mean really?! ..  if you haven’t met someone by the first 3 months I personally would come off it at least for a while…  otherwise you look like some perpetual never ending ‘Fisher’..Desperate for ANY bite …

why mate? what’s wrong with you?

After 3 weeks of ‘ignoring’ the gratuitious d*ck pic messages and those unbearably cringy one liners like –  “Hi there Beautiful” and “Hi Sexy” –  I had maybe 3 half decent conversations but not with anyone who I would want to actually meet in real life – But they certainly made my short time on POF much more interesting ..  Its  not everyone that is interested in global conspiracies and David Icke on a dating site as you can imagine.. But I considered myself to have honestly advertised myself – including even a couple of minor flaws – just so they knew I was human..  Apart from a few decent conversations there was no one that gave me a ‘Good Hunch’  – POF was full of warriors for sure – which of course is prime hunting zone for a male warrior – prey on the vulnerable and those that perhaps don’t have the highest self esteem.

THAT WAS ME ONCE

Just as I was losing any faith I noticed at the top of my screen –

where it says New Users In Your Area

For reasons I cant explain I knew he wasn’t a warrior – perhaps it was his clothes, or his stance in his profile pic …  I’m not sure … but something drew me to him ..  This in no way means of course that I would even click on someone’s profile before that have actually looked at me ( POF lets you know this)

So instead I pointed at the screen as I said to my friend – and put it out to the universe –

I want him to message me

my warrior friend tried to talk me into being a modern 21st century woman – and me message him!   lol not in my makeup to do that ..  No he will message me I assured her ..   The Law of Attraction ( the secret by Rhonda Byrne) always brings what you think and feel about most – so I believed it and let it out to the universe to manifest… with my fingers crossed he was not another warrior.

 

24 hours passed and DING my inbox alerted me to a new message – From HIM

Thanks Universe

I read the few words within his message and initially my heart sank – that read warrior like ..

“what you doing up so late?”   he asked me – I explained how I was infact part vampire on my mothers side and as a result do like The Dark hours …. I feel more productive.. when I returned the question his answer would give me my first insight …..  is he just in from a night out and didn’t pull so trying his luck?  or is his wife in bed and this is the only time he can ‘chat’ to other women?

He explained that he had just moved house and was sorting through his music collection …  he immediately said he didn’t like being on POF – he had been persuaded by his work colleague to join as a way to meet new people in his new area..  made sense.

His profile Bio was either warrior or a no effort nomad .. there was a couple of photos and a few lines giving nothing away.   I was on guard but nothing as yet had shouted WARRIOR at me ..   and infact it was his admission of looking for – A Girlfriend that made me think more likely settler or nomad so I went with it

We actually only spoke on POF a couple more times – once the following evening when he asked if I had anything exciting coming up that week …. I infact was celebrating my birthday the following day ..  He immediately asked if he could “take me for a birthday drink”  to which I declined explaining (settler) that I would NOT be meeting any strange men in any pub and having a night fuelled with alcohol….  IF I were to ever meet it would be in the afternoon ideally in a public place like a park.  with nothing more than tea to wet our whistle.   I also informed him that it would not be until after my birthday as I had plans with my friends.

I was pleased when he replied ” just name the place and time.. I would much rather meet in real life than keep chatting on here”  This to me was sign he had no wife and kids to work around or he didn’t have girlfriend he didn’t mind meeting in daylight in public.

So it was agreed the day before my birthday that we would meet on the afternoon following…… I told him I would be informing my friends of this and someone may well come along to the park and just be sure I am safe.    I also made it clear that if he was to be looking to have something to drink he would have to bring something with him as the café would be closed..  I hinted that I hoped it would be tea – made to my specifications (as per my bio) otherwise I would get tea envy.  So that was it arrangements made conversation over!  – at that point I wondered if maybe he was talking to lots of different people on POF and so keeping conversations short and sweet to allow him to ‘multi talk’

However, the following morning was my birthday and when I woke up to POF informing me I had a new message – I sorta guessed it probably be from him – and I was right .. just a simple happy birthday have a great day message – but then I noticed something –  something was different about his profile picture……

When I clicked on the profile picture to enlarge the view this is what filled my screen –

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well immediately I KNEW he certainly was no warrior .. and he definitely wasn’t chatting to other women ( as is the risk on these dating sites) .. By changing his profile picture to this won him a few brownie points – even before I met him … This man HAD TO BE A NOMAD –  creative, fun, energetic – all the traits required for such a spontaneous act at 6am in the morning…  for someone else you have never met –

When my friends and Kyle came that evening I showed them his new profile picture presuming it was some sort of APP that you could do a graffiti effect with .. but they were having none of it and proceeded for the rest of the evening to refer to Craig as ‘Banner Boy’ and wind me up that the picture was infact not an app but real………

“You don’t thinks its WEE but creepy mum – he spray painted  YOUR NAME on what looks like his bed sheets BEFORE going to work at 6am?!”

Please God surely NOT .. I laughed and giggled at their jibes at ‘Banner Boy’

“So you will spot him easily up at the Loch tomorrow then” Kyle jibed – “He’ll be the one with the airplane going past with I LOVE YOU PAULINE written on a banner trailing through the skies!”

“He’ll have been up and taught the swans how to swim in synchronicity as they PULL along a banner declaring his love for you across the water!”

OH HOW WE LAUGHED  

But there was a little part of me inside panicking – what if they were right?!

What if he was some crazy loonball who had taken a shone to me instantly and actually meeting him in a park with water is putting my life at risk …. what if he just does me in and dumps me in the water?!?

When it was near the time to meet I left my place earlier than necessary – so he couldn’t pass me on the way to the Park – I was waking with my dogs and he would be driving ….

I wanted to be there early and already have been round the Park and so I am meeting him on my way OUT as opposed to IN …

So on arrival I did my lap of the Loch with the dogs – in the direction so that I could see the car park from afar – basically meaning I would see him before he seen me…. 

For some reason this made me feel safer – if he looked nothing like his pictures or my Gut got a ‘hunch’ I would just walk the opposite direction and never been seen or found by him again..

The car park was empty and I so seen the car pull in and park – my Gut told me that was him even though I didn’t know what colour car he drove..   I watched as he made his way to the café bench we had agreed to meet at – I liked the way he walked – NO TEN TO 2 FEET – My Gut said “Go For It”

So I made my way to the bench whereby we instantly agreed to ‘walk’ .. and we made our way round the Loch ..  Unbeknown to him this was no relaxing stroll – this was a mission – to find out as quickly as I could what tribe he was – ideally without having to explain it to him – because I felt this would only make him prone to answer what he thinks I want to read.

So as a ‘Professional Listener’ I did what I do best – I Listened CAREFULLY to everything he DID and DIDN’T say  ..  I asked questions that would normally only be used in my therapy office –  the poor guy probably didn’t know wtf was going on ..  AS he had just moved to Fife he assumed all us Fifers were just like me – Nosey!

He spoke kindly of his ex and won more brownie points from me – I have a real distaste for people who instantly think they have got to be hateful or bitter toward their ex partner for the sake of me..

After another lap of the Loch and no signs of Synchronized Swans or Bi-Planes it seemed we had a lot in common – there was only 12 days between the days we were born..

Although our adult lives had been different – our emotional lives had been almost running parallel with the situations we had both experienced …  It sounded like he also had his own experiences with warriors ..

We approached the bench where we started from – “Do you want a cup of tea?” he asked

“did you bring a flask with you?.. Is it my Recipe?”

“Take a seat and I’ll bring it over”  –    I went and sat on the bench as he went to his car and proceeded to open the boot and there he had a camping stove, water and a kettle! ….

I giggled to myself as he nearly set his boot on fire making two cups of tea – but he had won a few brownie points with that in my eyes …  He read my profile – well at least down to how I like to have my tea..

Although inside I was impressed at his innovative thinking I could not let that show yet to this stranger – otherwise he will think I’m easily impressed!  which clearly I am lol

He put the tea down and as he did inside me said “Thank you – that’s so very thoughtful”

but the MOUTH said “What NO Cake?”

Just at that he pulls a bar of Galaxy from his pocket and places it beside my tea – I was almost speechless ALMOST –  once again instead of saying the polite think and thanking him – oh no – not me – instead I say “I hope you have brought one for yourself because I not good at sharing Galaxy”  – in my defence this was clearly stated on my Bio… So he should already know this little quirk in me – if he read that far?

And he had – because almost as I spoke he pulled out another bar and put it down beside his cup..    that made me laugh ..   and it warmed my heart to think he had actually put that much effort in – albeit it was only a cup of tea and bar of chocolate..

We had a few more cups of tea and we sat at that bench for hours – talking about everything and then some ..  I realised very quickly how funny he was – hilarious actually ..  Certainly NOT  a warrior trait usually so I felt optimistic that this ‘nice’ guy would turn out to be nomad right enough ..

We seen each other almost every night for about a week and in that time I expressed how important it was to me that my wsn profiling said we were a match – so this mean the would have to fill out the questionnaire and answer all the questions HONESTLY – I would know anyway because he was clearly what I like to call a ‘Screaming Nomad’ – There was too much of the nomad traits showing through in his words and his actions, be that when he was talking about the past or the present….

But I made myself clear that if he came back the ‘wrong tribe for me’ then we would never be able to actually date properly..  No pressure then

Thankfully Craig agreed and answered the personality profiling questions BEFORE we had so much as shared a kiss.

His answers proved me right in my conclusion that he was indeed a nomad

his dominant tribe is Nomad, then Warrior, then Settler with least percentage

whereas I am Settler dominant tribe, then Warrior and Nomad in equal percentages

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This was us on our first ‘date’ as a couple Sep 2013……..

We are now more than 3 years down the line and I can honestly say he is true to his profile –

he is THE most caring and generous natured man I’ve ever met … Kyle agrees..

But then it was inevitable he and Kyle WOULD get on

because Kyle is a Nomad dominant too – so Same sense of humour and fun.

 

There was one little ‘wobble’  in the Early days when someone else was answering the profiling questions and because I had not actually Saved Craigs answers on my computer he decided to do them again – along with this other person .   As did my friend who was also there –  and for some reason best known to themselves both my friend and Craig answered differently from their previous time and as a result came out as a different tribe …  infact that night the 3 people answering the questions ALL cam back as warrior – when infact I knew for sure 2 of them were definitely not!  –

When this happened Craig KNEW – as did I that if infact he was a moody, cold hearted warrior – and somehow he had managed to wing it and pretend to be a light-hearted nomad – That would be IT – OVER

It was too late in the evening to start redoing them again – for a third time so Craig agreed reluctantly to answer them the following day and sent them to me so I could put them through the software that works out the percentages and gives you the dominant tribe..    I can tell you that was LONG night – and the next day Craig phoned from work to find out the what the computer said now to the answers he had emailed me..

Thankfully he was once again the same tribe as originally had profiled him to  be – we both took a sigh of relief …

We have talked about this since and Craig says he really thought that was it – I was going to finish what was a great relationship because of PERCENTAGES on some computer program!!!

It funny to think of it now – But needless to say I trusted the wsn personality profiling so much I ended a relationship and I put my faith in it again to such a degree it dictated who I would agree to date or not…..

Works For Me

 

 

FYI it was only 3 weeks into our relationship that my tics began.. and I cannot fault this mans attitude towards it …   I did give him a ‘get out’ clause when I was first diagnosed – but thankfully he was having none of it ..

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